Shadows (A Sara Bareilles fanfic)

Change

I let myself in Josh's house, looking around for him and Daniel. I'd asked them to meet me there so we could talk about the awkwardness between us all, because even if we laughed and cut up, it still felt different. Things had changed, and I knew it was because of me, but it still bothered the hell out of me. I walked in Josh's bedroom, to find him putting a shirt on. I laughed. "Hey there." 

"Could've told me you were here." 

"I just did." 

We all stood around in the kitchen while I tried to think of how to explain. "Okay... ya'll probably know what I'm gonna talk about, but there's just something up between us since I got here." 

Josh nodded. "Yeah. I don't wanna start anything, but to be honest, you've changed, Sara." 

"What do you mean?" I asked. 

"You're just different. You know what I mean. And I know it sounds stupid, but you forgot the nicknames we gave you. We were a band for 6 years... we were like family. And now it's just... gone." 

"Yeah," Daniel said. "I kinda got that vibe too." 

I was hurt, but I knew they were right. I had changed, a lot. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, but I felt it, too. "I'm sorry. I feel really bad about basically ditching you..." 

"It's okay," Daniel said. "We understand." 

"No, you don't. I barely even gave you an explanation," I said. 

"You said you needed something new," Josh said. 

"Yeah. I didn't feel like myself anymore. Nothing felt real," I said. "And I'm still the same... I mean, I'm not, I know what you mean, but.... I guess I've just had to grow a lot lately. And it feels really good. I'm not the same person I used to be, and I don't think I can be." 

"That's an explanation," Daniel said. "You don't have to be the same person. We don't expect that."

"I just feel like I owe you a better explanation. But I don't really have one," I let out a little laugh .

"That's okay. Do what you need to," Josh said. "I want you to be happy." 

I smiled. "You guys are my family... that's never gonna change. And I really hope you feel that way too." 

"We do," Daniel said. "We never forgot about you or anything." 

I laughed. "I am hard to forget about." 

"Seriously, though," Josh said. "This is the first time I've heard from you in, what, close to a year?" 

My face got hot. "I'm sorry," I said again. "I don't know..."

"What?" Daniel asked. 

"I don't know why I haven't tried to talk to you guys. I've just kinda been mad at myself, and I guess I didn't wanna face it."

"Sara, it's okay. I promise. Even if you're a bitch, you're still our bitch," Daniel said. "We still love you." 

I grinned. "Yeah... I don't think we've changed too much."