Shadows (A Sara Bareilles fanfic)

Someday

I ran through the cold air to my car, autumn leaves crunching under my boots as I tried to stay warm. I blasted the heat when I got in my car, and drove back to my apartment. 

  "Hey," I called out, checking to see if Derek was still here. 

"Sara?" He came walking into the living room towards me. "Where the hell have you been? Why didn't you reply?" 

"Reply?" I turned on my phone to see three missed calls and seven texts from him. "Oh. I didn't see. Sorry." 

"It's okay, I was just worried." He kissed my forehead. "I got the note you left, how'd everything go?" 

"I don't even know. We made up, but it's not the same." 

"That sucks. I'm sorry. Babe, you're freezing." 

I laughed. "I know." 

"Is it seriously that cold out?" 

"It's the beginning of October, hon. And it's, like, eleven in the morning. Yes," I said. 

Derek picked me up and I shrieked. "Warmer now?" he asked. 

"Mmhmm." 

He kissed me. "Now?" 

I smiled. "Are you flirting with me?" 

"No." 

"Liar." 

"Shhh," he said, holding a finger up to my lips. He put me back down and went to my bedroom. He returned with the hoodie he'd worn yesterday and tossed it to me. 

"It smells like you," I said. "I like it." 

He laughed. "Okay?" 

"Seriously, do guys get that? Like, it's really hot when you give a girl your sweatshirt, you know. And even hotter when it smells like you." 

"Uh, cool, I guess." 

I laughed. "I'm bored." 

"What do you wanna do?" 

"I don't know. Come here." 

I made room for him on the couch and leaned into him, my head on his shoulder. He took my hand and ran his thumb across it in little circles, and I finally felt peaceful for the first time in weeks. Everything seemed to be worked out right now, and it was just Derek and I. 

He felt it, too. "I missed this." 

"What do you mean?" I had to ask, even though I already knew the answer. 

"I've missed this. Just us together. You've been kinda distant lately. I mean, not to be rude. You know what I mean..." 

"Yeah. Me too. Just a lot going on, I guess." 

"Look... I saw this song you wrote, and I don't know for sure what you meant by it, but... you know I love you, right?" 

Shit. He'd seen it. My deepest side, that I hadn't even shared with him. Until now. 

"Uh... yeah," I said. "Where did you find that..." 

"It was laying on your desk. I almost threw it away, till I saw what it was." 

"Oh. Yeah, it's nothing, just stuff for the album..." I blushed. 

I knew exactly which song he was talking about. Parking Lot. It wasn't exactly about him, but it was about a lot of things, him definitely being one. He read me so well. 

"I didn't mean to invade or anything, I just saw and it made me realize that I hadn't really checked up on you lately... so I love you. So much." 

"I know. That's not really what it's about, though. It's about a lot of stuff." 

"Yeah. But still. I love you, and I'm always gonna love you, okay?" 

I smiled. "Yeah." 

"You just seem really upset lately." 

"I'm okay." It was partially true. I wasn't crying every day, but I wasn't a ball of exploding happiness, either, and I was working on trying to find where I fit in that. Where I fit in everything, actually. But his warm hand took mine, and that was one thing I didn't have to wonder about. 

"If you wanna talk-" he started. 

"No. I'm good. I just wanna be here. With you. Right now. Don't worry about anything else." 

Derek laughed, his understanding, loving eyes piercing through mine, and it made me feel real. I was something to him, everything to him, and for once I believed it. He made me feel seen and heard and safe, so right then, he was everything I needed. 

So I told him. With silence. I brushed my lips against his, softly at first, then harder as we felt the electricity. We kissed passionately for a few minutes until I pulled away. 

"Thank you," I said. 

"For what?" 

"You know." 

He nodded and I wrapped my arms around him. I thought back to a quote in the movie "Waitress." 

"Dear baby," it began. "Someday, I hope somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness to it." 

That was us. We didn't speak, we didn't kiss. We held each other, because that was exactly what we both needed. With him, I didn't feel like the ugly girl. I didn't feel confused or angry or sad. I felt whole and content with him, and I hadn't felt that in a long time. And I had no doubt that he felt the same way. I could just tell. 

Someday, everything would be perfect. Someday, I would be prancing around these New York streets like I owned the damn place. But even if that wasn't today, he was today's "someday," and that was all I needed.