Shadows (A Sara Bareilles fanfic)

Awake

"Are you sure your boyfriend won't mind you coming?" Josh texted a few days later. I was almost to L.A., and I was ecstatic, but he seemed worried.

"No, he's okay with it," I replied. "He knows how it's always been between me and you."

A few hours later, my plane landed. It took me a while, but I eventually found Josh and pushed through the sea of people towards him. We grinned at each other and I practically jumped into his arms. Then someone put their hands over my eyes. "Guess who?"

I turned around to see Daniel. "What the hell? You didn't tell me you were coming too!" I shrieked.

He laughed. "God, I missed you."

"You guyyyyys," I said as we walked toward our car.

"What?" Josh asked.

"I don't know... I just. Yeah."

"I get it, trust me," Josh said.

"Ya know what we should do tonight?" Daniel asked.

"Party?" I joked.

"Actually, yes."

I laughed. "Okay. But I need to sleep first."

I stuffed my suitcase into the trunk of Josh's car and we headed for the hotel I was staying in. Daniel drove, and I made Josh sit in the back with me. I laid my head on his shoulder and he petted it in the joking way he always had.

"How ya been?" he asked.

"Okay. You?"

"Fine."

We were pretty quiet. I was surprisingly nervous around them. It was so exciting being there, but it was also bittersweet, because I knew we were all thinking about everything that had happened in the past couple of years. And one question in particular itched at me.

I turned to Josh. "Did you tell Javi I would be here?"

"No... why?"

I rolled my eyes. "Why would I ask that. Hmm. Shocker."

"I mean, like, does he need to know?"

"No."

"How are things between you and him?"

"There isn't anything."

"Nothing?"

"I don't think so," I said. "I have someone else now. Who I really love. There can't be anything between me and him anymore. I don't think I want there to be."

Josh raised his eyebrows.

"What?" I asked.

"He seems to feel differently."

"What?"

"He's been weird lately. Distant. I don't know. He won't talk to anyone or anything."

"How do you know it's because of me?" I asked.

"I don't," Josh said. "But it would make sense."

I thought about that for a moment, then decided not to. "Okay. Whatever," I said. "I don't wanna talk about him. Fuck it. I'm here to have fun, not to be stuck up his douchebag ass."

Daniel laughed. "There's Sara."

I smiled. "Yep."

***

That evening, I took a taxi to Josh's place and the three of us ordered pizza. We talked for hours, joking around and just catching up. It felt so good to be with them again. It felt safe. I knew what to expect from them, and we all knew each other inside out.

"So," I said after we'd finished our pizza. "Daniel. I might be in a party mood. You happy?"

He laughed. "Definitely. I'm gonna go get beer."

I gave him a thumbs-up and he left. "Well," Josh said. "Me and you."

"Life of the party."

"I missed you. A lot."

I smiled. "You too. Sorry I haven't tried to talk much, I've been super busy and everything."

Josh nodded. "You're killing it. Keep it up."

I hugged him. "I love you."

"I love you too, pizzasoarousrex."

I laughed. "Oh God. I forgot about that."

Josh gave me a weird look. "I didn't."

Luckily, Dan walked in right then toting a case of beer and a bag. He took a DVD out of the bag and handed it to me. "Love me forever."

The DVD was season 3 of the Golden Girls. I laughed. "I will."

We all took a beer and I played the DVD. Halfway through the third episode, we were all in stitches. "We should play a drinking game with this," I suggested. "Every time Rose mentions St. Olaf, I drink. Dan, when Sophia mentions Sicily, you drink, and every time Blanche acts like a slut, Josh drinks. Whoever drinks the most at the end wins."

Josh laughed. "What do we win?"

"Umm... whichever one of you wins gets to kiss me."

They gave me weird looks. "That's a joke, by the way," I laughed.

"Yeah," Dan said.

"Don't you love our idea of partying though?"

Josh nodded. "Wonderful."

I yawned. "I think I'm gonna go back to the hotel now. I need a shower."

"You're not gonna stay here tonight?" Josh asked. "There's plenty of room for you."

"Umm... no," I said. "I have a boyfriend..."

Josh laughed. "Uh, I wasn't planning on screwing around with you, if you didn't know."

"Duh. I know that. But still."

Josh shrugged. "Okay." I hugged him and Dan, then walked outside and tried to catch a taxi. The warm air hit me hard, and reminded me of how far away I was from New York. Everything felt strange, but good for a change, and as I got into the taxi something flooded up inside of me, and I broke into a smile. I didn't exactly know why I was so happy just being here, but whatever the reason, I needed it to last.

After I showered, I called Derek. His voice flooded my ear and made me smile even more.

"I miss you," he said.

"I miss you, too. I'm sorry. I kind of needed this."

"No, babe, it's okay. I understand."

"And I promise... nothing's gonna happen," I said.

"I know that. I trust you."

I got butterflies in my stomach. "Good. I love you. I'll call you in the morning, okay?"

"Okay. I love you, princess."

I fell asleep that night feeling so awake in the best way.