Shadows (A Sara Bareilles fanfic)

I Know

He was still waiting for me when I got back. It was clear he was on edge with me. He hadn't called while I was out, and he didn't try to talk to me when I came in. I showered, then fell asleep until I heard a knock on my door.

"You awake?" he whispered. "What's wrong?" I shrugged and he kissed the top of my head, making me feel safe.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"I get why you were mad," he said.

"No, you don't. You can't. It wasn't you anyway," I said.

He pulled me closer. "It was her?"

"No. It wasn't really either of you. I don't know."

He didn't make me talk about anything, which I loved. He just sat there and held me for a long time in silence, seeming to understand.

"I'm sorry," I said again after a while. "It was stupid. Maybe we shouldn't do this right now."

I fought back tears, feeling for the first time in a while how broken I was. It sucked. I loved him, and of course, I had to screw it up by being jealous.

"It's okay," he said. "You're okay." But I wasn't. I had felt the same exact way countless times, and I thought I'd finally figured myself out when I met him. It really wasn't about what had happened anymore. It was the simple fact that I kept doubting that someone could love me completely. The facts were all there, I knew he loved me, but I didn't believe it. Javier had taken that from me, the part of me that knew I was more than nothing. It had always been there; he just gave me a reason for it. But it was worse this time around. Because I realized that no matter how I felt about him, no matter what kind of worries I had about us, no one could fix myself except me, and it seemed impossible. I didn't know how to tell him that.

I felt his kiss on my cheek the next morning. I smiled and snuggled up against him.

"Morning, babe," he said.

I looked up at him, still half-asleep. "Hi."

He ran his fingers through my hair. "How you feeling?"

"Okay," I said.

"Good. I made coffee if you want some."

I jumped up and pulled him out of bed. "God bless you."

He laughed. "I don't know if it's any good. Girls make better coffee."

"It doesn't fucking matter, I'm exhausted. And I have a meeting in an hour."

I poured myself a cup while he got dressed. He came back in the room, shirtless, wearing just basketball shorts advertising a team I hated.

"Damn," I said. "Delicious."

"Shut up and drink your coffee."

I laughed, burning myself on the coffee, which made him laugh, and then we exploded with laughter for no reason.

"We're like a Folgers commercial," I said.

"Or a salad commercial. People freaking smiling while they eat it."

I rolled my eyes. "Idiots. Also, I'm meeting up with a friend after the meeting."

"Okay. Just let me know before you'll be back."

"Why?"

"You'll see."

I laughed and went to my room and searched my closet, looking for something that didn't take much time, since I was running incredibly late. I decided on the dress I had gotten with Holly, hoping Derek would like it. He did, and I smiled to myself as I ran down the street to Epic's office. I got there fifteen minutes late, and the lady at the front counter gave me a pointed look when I burst through the doors.