Shadows (A Sara Bareilles fanfic)

Guess

I stepped into the elevator of my apartment building and sighed, exhausted. It was one of those days, and I wished I could just sleep for 3 years.
As soon as I stepped in and closed the door, I heard a knock. Seriously? I opened the door and smiled, seeing my sister Jenny, who had just moved to New York.
"Hey!" I said. "Why haven't you come yet?!"
"Considering I didn't know how to get here, that wasn't really an option. Give me a week, damn!" Jenny said.
I laughed and shrugged. "Well, if you weren't so disorganized..."
Jenny rolled her eyes. "Just a little... Speaking of not knowing how to get here, you need to teach me or something," Jenny said. "I screwed the subway up horribly. It was so funny."
"I did that too. I'm still doing it," I replied. "And it's been like two months?"
Jenny laughed. "Soooo we need to catch up... How's life?"
"Okay. How's acting? Because, you know, acting is your life."
Jenny laughed and nodded. "Totally. It's going okay. I haven't found anything to do in a while. I'm so bored."
"Ugh, I wish I could be bored," I said. "The album is so much work."
Jenny looked at me, confused. "Uh, haven't you done this before? Like, 3 times? You knew it was gonna be work," she laughed.
"I know. But they keep nagging me and shit. I need a break. And we just started on it."
"Problem," Jenny said. "Can't you tell them you need some time off?"
"Yeah, but I don't want to."
"Um. Okay."
I shrugged and laughed it off. It wasn't really the album that was bothering me, anyway. It was being in a place that I knew nothing about, being without people who I knew everything about.
"You miss Javier," Jenny said.
I nodded, not surprised she knew. I was terribly easy to read. "We recorded Manhattan today," I said quietly.
"I'm sorry."
I shrugged again, halfway because I didn't want to talk about it and halfway because I knew I needed to get over it. "It's nothing. I needed to be here, and he didn't..." I trailed off, wondering for the millionth time why. It should've worked out, it could've. We were a mess, but we tried... but it was too hard.
"Look at me," Jenny said. "I'm shitty at giving advice, and I know you loved him, but it's for the best. Trust me."
"He screwed it up." It was true, but I was the one who felt stupid. He wanted to work it out. But the trust wasn't there, and so I couldn't be. Moving wasn't just because of my career.
I loved almost everything about this city- there was so much energy and inspiration. But everything reminded me of Javier, and I had no idea why.
"Yeah," Jenny said. "He did. And you had every right to leave."
"I know. I just wish everything didn't suck right now."
"It's going to. But you'll be okay. There'll be other guys. Maybe you and him weren't supposed to be together. Who knows. Someday you won't miss him anymore."
I laughed. "Okay."
"I didn't mean it like that. I mean, like, you won't miss him as much. It won't hurt as much."
"I don't even know why I miss him," I said. "I broke up with him." I fought back tears. Nothing was supposed to be like this.
"You miss him because you love him. Everything isn't black and white. He made a huge mistake, but you can still love him. And just because you needed something doesn't mean you wanted it."
"I'm just done."
"With?"
"Feeling like shit all the time. Not having him. Not being able to text or see him whenever I want. Wondering why I wasn't enough for him and why I left."
Jenny pulled me into a hug. "I wish I could help but I can't. You're enough, I swear. He was stupid. He didn't know what he lost."
"He said he loved me," I said, trying to make some sense out of why he begged me for forgiveness if he "loved" me enough to cheat on me.
"I think he did. But you can't fix what he did that easily," Jenny said.
"Yeah."
"You'll be okay."
"Yeah."
Jenny giggled. "You'll be aight, bro."
I laughed. "You're the worst."
"Good. I like annoying you."
I rolled my eyes. "Could've never guessed that one."

I couldn't have ever guessed what was next, either. I walked into the door of Epic two days later and saw Derek standing by a window, glancing down at his phone. I was there to pick up paperwork, but it looked like I might be staying for more than that.
Shut up, I thought. You can't like a guy while you're still missing another.
But life wasn't black and white, was it?
I debated for a moment whether to say something, but then he saw me and smiled.
"Hi," I said.
"What are you doing here?" Derek asked.
"Just getting some stuff. What about you?"
"Just got out of a meeting... I was waiting for my ride, but maybe me and you could go somewhere?"
I nodded, and Derek texted someone. We walked out into the warm breeze, not knowing what to say for a moment.
"You know, I've been thinking..." I started. "Last week... When we talked... It was fun."
I had to admit it. Ever since I'd talked to Jenny about Javier, my mind was a little clearer and I'd found myself wondering if maybe Derek and I would see each other again... Maybe? Hopefully?
To my surprise, Derek grinned. "Yeah."
Lovely. "Yeah." Really? That's all I get? Great conversation starter. I tried to think of what to say, hating the inevitable small-talk that happened whenever I met a guy. I mean, I didn't want "us" to happen immediately- if it even did, if I was ready- but last time... I had some kind of feeling. There was something there, and I wanted more.
"What've you been up to?" I asked.
Derek laughed. "Everything. The label is keeping me sooo busy."
"With what?"
"Just learning the ropes and everything. There's still a lot I don't know, even after college."
"Ohhh, yeah," I said. "They dive straight into everything. What do you do?"
"Production and stuff like that. I love it, but it's super hard," he said.
"Yeah. Music is so complex."
Derek turned to me. "Are you okay? You seem quiet."
I laughed. "You just met me!"
"Yeah, but still."
"I'm good. Just awkward."
And a little nervous?
"Ah. You wanna go get a drink? Maybe that'll help."
I nodded in agreement. "Always."
"Where do you wanna go?" Derek asked.
"Doesn't matter. I'm not picky."
"Same here."
I gave him the side eye jokingly. "Don't start that shit, every guy does that!" I sighed in fake exasperation.
Derek laughed, and I noticed his dimples again. "Every woman says that."
I laughed. "Oh. My. God. Come on, we're going in here." I opened the door to a bar I hadn't even known existed, and music filled our ears as we walked in.
"Damn, it's loud in here," Derek commented. I nodded and went to get our drinks while he found a place to sit. I slid his over to him when I returned and laughed.
"What?"
I shook my head. "My awkwardness is killing me right now."
"Seriously? You're fine. I have no idea what to say."
"You lie pretty well."
Derek laughed. "Speaking of that. Earlier I remembered that I forgot my sister's birthday."
"You're kidding."
"Nope. I wish. She was so mad. But I just told her I'd been busy all day and hadn't gotten the chance to call."
I laughed. "Wow. This is a slow-clap moment."
"At least I called her after that! She was pissed, it was funny."
I took a sip of my drink, thinking that I liked where tonight seemed to be going. "I've never heard it was funny when a woman got mad," I said. "Have you been around women much?" I laughed.
"Unfortunately, yes."
I looked at him with a fake mad expression. "Would you like me to show you something you don't know?" I joked.
Derek held his hands up in fake surrender. "Please don't. I don't really feel like dying tonight." He had a joking glint in his eyes that I really, really liked.
"But anyway," I said. "What'd you do?"
"Just listened to her bitch, then I apologized. I mean, I was busy. She's the snotty, fake type honestly."
"Damn."
"It's true though! Ever since she got married and had kids she thinks she's some kind of great creation. She's totally the 'I'm marching down to the school and demanding more playing time for my son' type."
He imitated his sister in a high-pitched, Kardashian- like voice, and I almost choked on my drink. "Oooo. She sounds incredible."
Our conversation dulled and I came to a realization. I was in a bar with a guy, halfway nervous, worried about how awkward I was, but at the same time, laughing my ass off...
I blurted it out without thinking. "Are we on a date?"
Derek raised his eyebrows. "Uh... Well then. You're forward."
I laughed and nodded.
Derek smirked. "I don't know. Do you want it to be?"
Well, shit.
I blushed, but I was slowly coming to another realization. "Um... I think so."
Derek smiled. "Okay. Me too."
"Uh... I think we should go," I said. My stomach was in knots.
We walked out, feeling the buzz from the drinks and, no matter how much I hated to admit it, I felt a buzz from being near Derek.
I let out a little laugh. "Soooo..."
"If it wasn't awkward before this, it damn sure is now."
I laughed and shrugged. "I never said I was a quiet person."
Derek smiled. "I'm not either."
"You were maybe a little too quiet the first time we met," I said.
"What?"
"I was kind of hoping for your number." I laughed.
He grinned. "Oops. Maybe you should've offered yours, then. I was kind of hoping for yours."
My stomach lurched again. "Okay... here." I pulled a random receipt out of my bag and scribbled my number.
"Thank you," Derek said
"My pleasure," I said, matching his fake-disgusted tone. I had butterflies. "I need to go," I said, checking my phone and realizing it was almost time for Holly to come over. "I'll see you around."
Derek winked. "I might just call you."
I grinned and started back towards my car. Epic was just a few blocks away, and I had taken a few steps when he called my name.
"Sara!"
I walked back to him, smiling. "What?"
"I think... I really, really liked tonight."
I nodded. "Yeah." My hand slipped in his for a brief, exhilarating moment, and before I knew it, his lips were touching my cheek.
"We need to hang out again. Soon," I said.
It felt a little like I was floating and a little like I had just fallen face-down into the hard, black pavement.