Shadows (A Sara Bareilles fanfic)

Go

My phone dinged with the sound of an incoming text. Shit. I was in a meeting, and it was dead silent except for my manager, who had been talking his head off for the past half-hour. I smiled awkwardly and reached for my phone to silence it. Luckily, no one seemed to notice-or care-so I looked to see who was texting me. It was Holly. We hadn't talked in almost a week, and she had texted me several times wanting to discuss our fight. I hadn't replied, partially because I was mad at her, but also mad at myself. I didn't reply this time, either- I just slipped my phone into my bag and waited anxiously for the meeting to be over.
"What do you want?" I texted when I got out of Epic. I had to say something, finally.
"Nothing," she replied. "Let me know when you wanna talk."
I sighed, giving in. There was no point in staying mad at her when I was mad at myself, too.
I tried to find someplace quiet to go and call Holly. I found a park and sat down in the grass, staining my floral-printed dress. I had other things to worry about, though, like getting voicemail on the first call. I dialed again, hoping the roles weren't reversing.
To my relief, she picked up. I contemplated what to say.
"Why won't you talk to me?" she asked.
"Why do you think?" I immediately regretted what I'd said. I was still pissed, but that wasn't the way I had wanted to convey it.
"Look...why'd you call if you're still mad as hell at me?"
"I don't know."
"Okay. When you figure it out, let me know." I heard the click of the call ending.
She was right. Why did I call?
It hit me. I needed to talk to her because I needed her. I didn't want to be mad, but I was. But I didn't want her to be mad at me, either, though we both had good reason.
I walked to my car and drove to her hotel room, hoping she was there. I knocked.
Holly opened the door with a look of surprise. "Hi there." A wave of anger flashed through me, and I tried my best to cover it up.
"We need to talk," I said. My tone was icier than I expected.
"I thought you were done with me."
Damn. "What? Why?"
"Judging by the way you went totally insane on me, I'm surprised you're here." She kept a steady gaze on me as I tried to avoid eye contact. "I thought you were mad at me."
"I am. It really fucking hurt. But..." I thought for a moment. "You have every right to be mad at me, too. I majorly overreacted."
"No you didn't. I was super rude."
"Yeah, but I shouldn't have went totally insane on you... I just. Nothing." I didn't know how to tell her that her comment had stirred something inside of me. A fire, burning, making me wonder what I was really doing here. In any of this.
Holly looked at me curiously. "Sara. What's wrong?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. You haven't been the same lately. Even when I've talked to you on the phone, you've sounded... different."
I shrugged. "No..."
Holly didn't look convinced. "Are you okay? Tell me the truth."
Well, I had promised myself no more lies.
"No," I said.
"What's going on?"
"Just... Everything's a mess right now. I'm in a city I know nothing about, away from my family and everything else I know. And then him... And Derek. I want Javi back, but I don't. I want to go out with Derek, but that'd be weird. I don't know what to do anymore."
Holly pulled me into the tightest hug I've ever been in. "I knew there was a reason you got so mad."
"I'm sorry."
"No. Don't be. Anyone would be. I'm sorry. Now, tell me everything."
"There's nothing to tell. I'm just done."
"No. Look. I know you were totally in love with Javier. But if you can't trust him- and don't lie- then you don't need to be with him. You deserve so much better."
"Yeah."
"And if you want to go out with someone else, go. It's not weird. You can want someone else while still trying to let go of another. It's not black and white."
"If I had a damn dollar for every time I've heard that, I'd be rich."
Holly rolled her eyes jokingly. "You already are. But seriously. You're gonna be okay. This stuff doesn't happen quickly."
I hugged her, taking in the familiarness of this moment. We'd stood like this so many times it was impossible to count. When she got divorced, when I had writer's block... she'd been there for everything.
"I love you so much," I said.
"I love you too," Holly replied. "Go take a shower."
"Ew, in a dirty hotel room?"
"It's not dirty. Trust me, I cleaned it."
"Whatever." I grabbed a towel and headed for the bathroom, letting the steaming water wash everything away.

When I got out, I heard Holly's voice coming from the kitchen. "Yeah, I will."
She hung up and raised her eyebrows.
"Who was that?" I asked.
"A guy. Who sounded like he was overly excited to talk to you."
I swear my heart stopped for a moment. "Dude... I can't-"
"Doooo ittttt," Holly said. "You like him, he likes you. Do. It."
As scared as I was, I knew she was right. I knew I wanted to.
I giggled. "Fine."
I called Derek back, surprised that I was anticipating his voice.
"Hey." I liked the way his words sounded, like he was smiling all the time.
I glanced over at Holly slyly. "Hey."
"Your friend answered for me. She was... giggly."
"Ugh, I know. She's the worst."
Derek laughed. "So... this is probably gonna sound weird, but I'd really like to see you again."
"Me too."
"Are you available tonight?"
Shit. How was I supposed to get ready in a couple of hours? "Uh... sure," I said.
"Where do you wanna meet?" Derek asked.
"Umm... my place?"
"Fine with me."
I gave him directions and hung up excitedly.
"Your place?" Holly looked at me in disbelief.
"Yeah. Oops," I giggled.
Holly laughed and shook her head. "Just don't get pregnant."
"Oh my God, ew, no. I'll see you later."
Holly hugged me again. "It's gonna be fine. I love you."
"I know. You too"
"Now go! And call me after!"
And I went.