100 Voicemails

Epilogue

1st August 2012

I walked carefully, each step measured, as I neared my destination. A tombstone that was still fresh and grey and my eyes started to water before I even reached it. I bit my lower lip and paused a few steps away from it.

Here she lay. My precious girl.

I stood there for a few minutes, staring at the spot where she lay before slowly reaching into my pocket and taking out my cellphone. I approached the tombstone, phone in hand, and I sat down beside it.

I opened my phone and took a deep breath before sending her a voicemail.

"Hi, sweetie. I'm here now...but I'm late. I'm so sorry, I'm so goddamn sorry for being late. I want you to know that I've always loved you too and I always will. I'll never stop. I promise you that. I love you, Ari. And I'm sorry.

I was never really punctual, was I? I'd be the one arriving a few minutes late on our dates. You'd be the one waiting for me. And even now, even when I was unconscious, you waited for me. I am so sorry for making you wait. If I could do things over again, I'd never make you wait. Not even for a second.

...I miss you. God, I miss you so much, every day. I remember you now. I never really forgot sweetie, my memories were a bit delayed, that's all. But I do remember you. I remember everything. I remember your laugh, especially how you snorted when you laughed too much. You were always so embarrassed after that but I loved it. I love it. I love everything about you.

And I also took care of that bastard Charlie. It wasn't easy finding him since he'd drop out of school but Raven and the others helped me so we found him. I gave him a bloody nose and a broken arm. He won't be bothering anyone anytime soon. And as for Queen Bitch, I did give her a black eye just like you asked me to. I did it in the cafeteria with everyone watching. When the principal called for me, I was ready to take detention or even expulsion, but instead he asked me why I did it. I told him the truth and he believed me. I got off the hook and that bitch got detention instead. I have a feeling that she won't be bitching around anytime soon either.

You also wanted me to sing for you so I will. By the way, I really miss your voice too. Here goes."

I cleared my throat and blinked away the tears.

"'But God, I miss you. So much it hurts sometimes and I can't bring us back to all the days gone by. I always loved you, I miss you all the time. I promise I'll remember all the days gone by...'"

I couldn't stop the tears anymore and started to cry uncontrollably. I sobbed as I spoke.

"Why? Why, sweetie? Why? Don't get me wrong, I know why but why? You shouldn't have done that.... That's never the answer, you should've stayed alive. You should've stayed strong. You should've been alive right now! If you couldn't stay strong for me, you should've stayed strong for yourself! You shouldn't have thrown your life away like that! Your life is much more precious than to be thrown away...don't you get that? I love you so much, sweetie but the one thing that I'll always keep saying is that you shouldn't have done that. That wasn't the answer. That is never the answer!

....Did you ever think about the people you left behind? Not me but your parents? They're devastated. Your mother rarely speaks at all and your dad blames himself. You should've stayed, sweetie. I know that it was extremely hard and even unbearable at times, but still, you should've stayed. You weren't as alone as you thought you were, you just pushed away and ignored the people who wanted to help you. There were people who wanted to help, Ari, you just didn't let them. I wish you had, sweetheart. I miss you so much and I'll love you always. I wish you hadn't made this mistake. I love you, sweetie. I always will. And I'm so sorry. I'll be sorry for as long as I live, believe me."

I sniffed and rubbed my eyes with my free hand as I pressed the 'send' button.

Voicemail failed to send.