Moments

Killing Me.

It's been weeks since the tragedy. I've stayed at the flat that we bought together. So many memories in such a short time. This whole place had something to remind me of her. Whether it's the weird looking giraffe sculpture standing in the corner to the intricate designs she had painted on walls, she was still here. I can't even say her name without tearing up. She was my everything and she slipped away so quickly. Edmond has still been coming around for check ups. But the check ups are for me. I have been deprived from my sleeping and eating routines. All I would do is just lay in these white sheets that have been stained with my tears. I don't know what to do anymore. The boys have been coming around lately also. They try to help me eat and do normal things, but I just don't have the courage to do anything. I feel like if she had broken up with me things would go a lot better than this. I would still be able to see and hear her, but I can't.

I miss her so fucking much. I miss her long wavy brown hair that cascaded down her shoulders, her way of talking and how her voice was just so unique. I miss the way she laughed. It was crazy, but I loved it. Or the way her eyes would light up whenever she got excited about something, anything really. I miss the way she dressed herself and how she presented herself to others. I miss the way she would wake me up or the way I found her asleep next to me every morning. She's unique and different from every girl. Everyone to be honest. I just really miss her a lot and nothing can fill the whole that she left behind.

"Zayn, c'mon! Get up!" Niall's voiced boomed throughout the entire flat.

I laid there silently looking at the ceiling.

"C'mon, Zayn. She wouldn't like it if you just laid here and did nothing. You gotta eat something at least." Miranda came in after Niall. Harry, Alyssa, Liam, and Louis soon started to pile in.

"You don't know what she would like. You don't know her." I mumbled.

"Don't be like that. We all knew her well enough. Maybe not the way you did, but still." Harry stated.

"I just don't want to go. Okay?" My voice raised. I could tell that they were worried, but they'd never leave until I got up.

"Please. It'll do you good. Just come out to lunch with us and we'll bring you back home." Alyssa said.

"Where?"

"Let's go downtown, yeah?" Liam asked everyone.

"Yeah. Let's go. We'll leave you to get ready." Miranda started to head out, leading the group out of my room.

I laid there which seemed like hours, but it was only 5 minutes. I slowly got out and headed toward the bathroom. Most of her stuff was still here. I didn't want to throw out any of her belongings, so I kept it there. I walked to my side of the bathroom. My reflection was horrid. Red puffy eyes with dark bags under them. My skin looked so pale. I looked so skinny from not eating. I looked dead. I heard Liam call for me. I told him to give me a minute or so. I washed my face and took a long look at myself. I gave a sigh and started to head to my closet. I stripped of my clothes that I've been wearing for weeks now. Jeans and a tee. I think that'll do fine. I stepped out and headed out to where everyone was waiting. I stopped in the middle of the hallway when I heard a familiar voice. Who was it? I stood there for a minute or two trying to figure out who. Then it struck me as they called out for me once more. Shit.

"I'm here." I stepped out and there they all were standing with the familiar person.

"You ready, Zayn?" Miranda asked.

"Uh, yeah. Can I talk to you, Liam? For a second." I led him over to the kitchen.

"What is it?" Liam started to worry for me. I can see it in his eyes.

"What is she doing here? I thought she disappeared."

"I didn't invite her. She just came here." Liam was also surprised.

"Okay." I gave a sigh and walked out of the kitchen.

"What are you doing here, Stacy?" I asked firmly.

"Why can't I be here? I'm a friend aren't I? Can't I just comfort you just like how they can?" She pointed over the boys, Alyssa, and Miranda.

"You aren't a friend. What you did isn't forgiven. Just leave. Now."

"Zayn. C'mon." Louis attempted to calm me down.

"No. If she's coming with us, then I'm staying home. I can't deal with her right now." I began to walk back to my room.

"Fine. I'll leave." Stacy headed out leaving us in silence.

"Let's go to lunch then." Harry broke it.

"Yeah's," broke out and we were on our way to lunch. It was weird being outside. The sun beamed into my eyes as we walked down the dry rough pavement of London. I don't even think we've walked half a mile when I started to become tired. It wasn't hot outside, but I just wasn't used to all...this. There were people everywhere. Surrounding me, as it seemed. I started to hear voices. Someone was calling my name and I turned around. No one was there. I began to walk once more. Liam stayed by my side as the others walked ahead. I looked over to the other side of the road and I saw her. It was her, Mindy. I know it is. Without any warning, I jolted across the road and ran to her. I heard the group call out for me, but I ignored them. She's still alive. Memories became rushing back, as did my happiness. When I got to her, I gave her a hug like no other. One that you never want to let go of. She started to push me off. I let go. No. It wasn't her.

Liam caught up to me and apologized to the woman that I had hugged. I stood there with a blank face. My whole world began to collapse once more. This time I knew she was gone. Permanantly. Her death was beginning to be mine.