You Only Live Once

Chapter 17

I wonder if I should feel this cold everytime Gale's warmth evenloppes itself around me. Why is it that I always feel so empty? Isn't the whole point of being in a  relatioship to be able to run away from the emptiness? If it is, why is it that I feel this hopeless?

I doesn't make sense, or it shouldn't.
Because deep down I know exactly why I feel this empty, but still, I don't think I am ready to admit to myself why.

Gale and I have been going steady for two weeks now, which isn't much time, but it's still something. I feel terrible in the middle of this relationship, as if I'm lying to Gale, which isn't even truth. I never lied to him, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did so. But I don't tell him the truth either, although I know he is aware of it. Gale knows I don't truly love him, and I doubt I ever will. Still, I let him live with the hope that some day I might.

It pains me that I'm causing him this. Everydays he tells me how much he cares for me, how he'd never let me go and I, just like the complete selfish person I am, let him say it over and over again, in hopes that maybe it'll fill my emptiness and, out of nowhere, I'll love him just as much as he loves me. Needless to say, that day never comes.

Peeta arrived last week, and apart from the weak 'Hi' he gives me every morning, there are no more words shared between us. From time to time, I catch Peeta studying me during lectures or staring intensivily at mine and Gale's locked hands with a somewhat pained expression. I always try to push the image of his broken down look, convincing myslef that Peeta looks so down for some other reason that isn't me and Gale, but deep down I know that it's my fault.

The simple realization that I am loosing Peeta makes me nauseous. I really ought to talk to him, to understand what did I do that made him so upset. Did he have feelings for me? That seems to be the only plausable reason for him to be so troubled by mine and Gale's relationship. I just don't get how can he have feelings for me if he so blalantly ignored that kiss we shared? I gave him plenty signs, it's impossible he didn't notice them.

I huff in annoiance, what is it with Peeta that makes him such a childish being? Why can't he just be straight-forward with me and tell me what's wrong? It's in times like this I can't stand Peeta Mellark.

"Do you think red is a good color for me?" Annie's voice rings through my head, pulling me back from my web of thoughts.

I divert my eyes from the small stuffed blue elephant that always reminds me of Peeta back to Annie. She is trying on every item of makeup she has. Apparently, today is hers and Finnick's 6th dating aniversery. How they managed to stay together for so long, I can never understand, love is such a fragile thing, but the truth is that I envy their happiness more than anything. Still, I let them have it, deciding that I wouldn't be too huffish on either of them because I can't stand what they have and I don't. "I still think that that pink gloss you tried on before suits you better." I say.

Annie studies her feature in the mirror attentivily "Guess it does." she relents. "It's Friday night after the exams, aren't you gonna go out or something?"

I shake my head "Not really, I don't feels much like it. Plus, I have no plans." I answer quietly.

Annie turns her gaze to me and raisis her eyeborw "How about Gale, doesn't he have any plans for you two tonight?"

I flinch. Annie isn't precisly glad about mine and Gale's relationship, but she doesn't budge about it. It's not her business who I date. But that doesn't mean she's less disappointed with me. Somehow, she can see right through me, into my deepest thoughts and feelings, and I can sense how much she doesn't support Gale and I as a couple. I'm guessing it's because of how much it hurts Peeta, in the end, they've been best friends for ages, and in someway, they also love each other. Obviously, not the way Annie loves Finnick or the way I should love Gale, but in some other weird caring way.