Reflections of my Heart (Part I )

The Enemy Called Idleness

June 20,2015

When I suffered physical oppression that limits my physical ability to do vigorous work, I had plenty of time to just lay down and do nothing. Some days I was contented to just read or watch movies but when it went on year after year, the complacency and boredom sets in. Then my mind became my playground and negative thoughts sprout one by one and became my companions. I felt my spiritual well-being made a downward spiral that leaves me bereft and barren.

My prayers, devotions and spiritual exercises that before I enthusiastically was doing became a robotic phase that I do everyday because of the mundane routine I was going through. I've sinned time and again, wanting to get up but falls short and found myself struggling to get out of the valley that I gladly wanted to sink myself into.

There are times I was too lazy even going to Church on Sunday because I was contented just laying down and play around in my imagination not knowing that I was now living in a very dangerous ground of idleness, a plateau that continues to consume my productivity, my joy and most of all, my relationship with my God.

But somehow, in His goodness, He made me realized that when I accepted Him to be my Lord and Savior, He will never forsake nor abandon me no matter how far I succumb to a negative circumstance that I thought now is my fate.

He stirs my heart to dream again until I became restless, discontent with the way I was living. Somehow, my heart just awaken from a very long and deep sleep that I felt ready to burst forth but the problem is, I don't even know what to do. I was rearing to go, to get up but I don't know what was jumping inside my heart that my mind couldn't grasp.

I started to pray earnestly again. To ask God of what it is He wants from me and for me. Through the years of my experience, I knew this kind of stirring is a fruition of a revelation from my God who wants the best for me.

Day after day, I waited for His direction and as months past by, I didn't even know, he is drawing me out of my complacency. He is lovingly restoring my lazy bones into a sturdy one to make me leap again and be excitedly live my life to the full.

As a vision started to conform inside my heart and made a connection into my brain, the Lord provided for me people and means to help me construct a dream and turn it into a building of reality.

Now, I'm living that dream. I now have the freedom to tell people and eventually the world of what I think, feel, learned and will learn through writing down my thoughts and vivid imaginations about who I was, I am in my relationship with people around me and most of all, my relationship with my Savior.

This gift that I was hiding since I was just a little girl flows out from the barricade of shyness, insecurities and I'm-not-good-enough kind of attitude by the sheer coercion (pardon my adjective) of a God who wouldn't let me swallow in idleness. He love me too much to let this gift dies a certain death when I deliberately bury it at the utmost recesses of my heart and mind because of my alibis.

Now, I am joyfully lying down on my back, busily typing in conjuring up scenarios of what I've learned from my journey in life and my delicate observations of life in general.

As I write my poetry, reflections, stories and even composing songs (still gathering excellent materials to publish it properly), I am sharing my vulnerability to strangers that I've never done before and if you know me, I am a very private person and I don't like being a center of attention hence the hiding of all my materials through the years is giant step for me.

The Lord won't allow my false sense of humility to flourish because He wants me to share this talent of expressing myself through the pen or rather the electronic touch he had given me to the world who needed some encouragement from all the garbage we accumulated through the years,

I don't care if just one person is reading my stories or if they will agree or disagree with me, all I know is that I am obeying the stirring in my heart (the Lord will not let me sleep if I don't write it anyway) and I love the sense of freedom and joy it brought into my life.

I've lost something but I gain so much more that I really enjoy and love. My God knows what I need even when I was blind to see it beforehand. What will happen to this blog of mine? I really don't know. I don't care about the technicalities. All I know is my God had a plan and when He sets His mind to it, I will be use by Him no matter where I am, who I am and what my circumstance is dictating to me. No man nor principalities can thwart what God intended to write on a rock. He will do what He gotta do and all I have to do is to obey and see it happens in my life.

Now, I thank God for my physical limitations. He let me see that He will not allow idleness to permanently tattoo their grip on me. I may succumb to its lure for a time but my God will do anything to loosen its tentacles in my life as long as I didn't stop letting Him hold me to go back to the right track again.

I owe it all to the Lord. The plateaus in my life are a just reminder of my need for my Savior. He will continue to rescue me again and again to climb back up to challenge my growth in His care and loving embrace as His child and as a Christian who have faith in His fathomless plan for me.

Idleness has been use by God to woke me up from my dream to my reality and made me face that impossibility is not in God's vocabulary.