Forever 4: "The Journey" (Hariana / Diall)

18: The Consequences

But, this is real life, the lies that we know are sometimes the reality, that we should see.

Z A Y N

I'm just sitting here on the bench, outside our flat, here in the garden. I took a last cigarette on the box, lightening it as I pit it in between my lips, inhaling deeply the smoke. This is my stress reliever, even though it makes my lungs worse, including my general health. But I can just stick to this than welcoming new problems, which is I'm currently experiencing now. I'm still not sure about the decision I want to make that can change my whole life but it will be worse, if I prolong it.

I've been thinking about this for days, but I think almost a week. I don't know if I will have a better life after this. I don't know what will hapen to me, to us. But as what I've said, it'll be better to settle it earlier than to make it longer that can ruin and make more things more complicated. I'm not sure about myself anymore, about where I am today, about my feelings and about having this life. I'm not completely sure but I'm trying to make a second guess and think many, many times.

But it is not working. In my whole thinking, it always end to the same decision. Probably this is really it for me and for us. This is where my life should be after a while. Maybe what I have today is a temporary gift and needed to give back again to welcome my whole new real life. It's been a while now and I didn't tell Perrie about this. I know she will get really, as in really mad and upset, super disappointed, I must add. But it is not easy to tell someone if you have problem. Sometimes just keeping it hy yourself makes it better.

"Z!" I heard Perrie shouted as I took a last breath on my cigarette and quickly stepping on it, when I put it on the ground.

Perrie. The most beautiful girl that I saw and probably no one can ever surpass her beauty. For me, it's one of a kind, inside and out, it is perfect and very flawless. The real beauty for me is on how ypu show yourself to someone, being true at everyone and not giving any single fuck on anything, like criticisms. She is like that. She always don't care about other's opinions and never get affected by it. I don't know how will she take th confession I'll make. I'll just hope she will understand it. But if she didn't, I understand why.

"Z!" I was startled when I saw her in front of me, calling me as I quickly stood up.

"Uhm... Yeah." I said and gave a weak smile.

"Are you alright? You seemed so puzzled." She said as her eyes examined my whole face and my head to toes.

"Yeah, just a bit tired, I guess?" I excused. I'm not really on the mood now about facing everything and everyone.

"Wow. You slept the whole day, you're still tired? I think Mr. Malik, need something." She said and pecked my lips.

"Don't call me, Mr. Malik, I might take you here." I grunted and smiled as we both chuckled.

"Of course, I'm just joking. I'm still pretty tired too. By the way, what do you want to do this day?" She asked when I felt her warm touch on my cheek.

"I don't know, P. Probably I just want to stay here." I said weakly.

Seeing her full of positive ambiance with her perfect smile that defines her mood, makes me feel super and deeply bad about myself. If I say it to her, I'll be selfish and really unfair to ruin her day and her future days. But it is needed to say, it is needed to confess. I'm full of concern and worries about what would she feel about it but, I'm full of but's that makes the first situation worthless. Myself and my decisions are fighting with each other. This already too much for me, too much to handle and to much to keep. Saying all of this to her, makes my problems lesser but giving problems to her. See? Full of but's. Fucking but's.