Forever 4: "The Journey" (Hariana / Diall)

12: The Persistence

I realized that without Niall Horan was born in this world, there will be no Demi Lovato who continue to live her life.

D E M I

"You will never ever recover from everything."

"You will be always a miserable and a helpless woman."

"Niall is just pitying on you."

"Do you think he will never leave you? Because there will be a time when he will leave you."

"He will be tired and fed up by your shits."

"Even your family, friends, or even him, they will never accept a woman like you."

"You are a complete waste and a horrible mess.

"Until the end, you will be always alone."

"You're actually true, the world will be so much better, without a woman like you."

"Why don't you just kill yourself, that would be easier?"

I opened my eyes as I quickly sat up, feeling the tears almost drowned me from the pains and hurtful voices I felt and heard inside of me, mentally and emotionally. My back is leaning on the headboard while duvet is wrapped all over me and crying my eyes out. I began choking and can't even breath due to the nightmare I just had. All of the voices with its' words keeps circulating on my mind, making my body weaker and paranoid as fuck. Why is this happening for me?

"Niall?" I said, calling out his name for a help.

He's not here. Either his sight, good scent or positive presence is not being seen, smelled or felt in this room. I can't see him even in this dark room. I can see the dark skies outside the glass windows, even if it's covered by the curtains. Only the dim light enlightens my sight a bit, but isn't enough to enlighten the darkness and the emptiness that is filling up on my body.

I'm having a relapse now. This is my worst nightmare when it comes to recovering from my crisis before but it's all coming back. It makes me feel that I didn't recovered at all, maybe it was just covered up by the happiness I felt during the past years of being happy. But in the end and after all the happiness, the things I've been going through are still there. And I'm afraid if those things will never leave me, my life.

"Ni-Niall?" I choked out and still hoping that he can hear my - not too - audible cracking voice, even if he isn't here.

This is what I'm afraid of, going back to the situation where I thought it's already done and gone. But I think, it will never be done and gone. Everyday I need to survive it and sustain myself or my mental, physical and emotional health can't make it. I don't know if I should get used to this, since the start. But everyday passes by, it feels surreal but it became negative feelings when it prolongs.

I don't know when this relapse starts, I just felt so different these past days. Until the night came when I felt my stomach churns and I know what will happen. That's why I went downstairs and just threw up in a bathroom because I want it to be a secret at all. Like I don't want Niall to know about it but I made loud sounds that I almost spit my internal organs. But guess what? He heard it and found out everything. Niall just decided that we won't tell them about this, yet.

I'm not scared of getting over and going through but I'm scared on how will I do it and if I will be succeed at last. I'm scared of being alone on these problems because without Niall, I don't know what could possibly happen or what things I will do, that I shouldn't do. With him, he can guide and really help me about these. I don't know why is this happening? I'm clueless. Yes, I'm done with my shits for years but it's like all of my efforts and all the things I've done to recover from it will just go to waste.