Forever 4: "The Journey" (Hariana / Diall)

28: The Twists

I deeply apologize for being absent for a more than a year... My drive in writing suddenly went off due to college but now, I'm trying to get it back :) this chapter is very long, don't worry. :)

After one year...

A R I A N A

"You really want to do this?" The lawyer asked me and Harry.

"Yes." I said. "No." He said.

"We cannot argue about this again, Harry. I've made my decision." I spat at him.

"You made yours and I don't make any because I don't want to." He said. "I marry you because I love you and I want to spend my life with you." He added.

"I cannot give you what you really wanted. I cannot give you a family, Harry and I don't want that for you." I said.

"I don't want a fucking divorce!" He shouted.

That's right. I want a divorce because I can't give him kids or a family. I'm not infertile. I had an ectopic pregnancy. Yes, I was pregnant that's why I'm having mood swings in the first trimester as they called it. I actually had a hint that I was pregnant during that time and he also had a hint but I do not want to assume so we just let that go. Until weeks came and I start throwing up. I'm having nausea all the time and Harry encouraged me to visit a gynecologist and that's when we found out I was 2 months pregnant. I don't even know why we didn't do the pregnancy test using the over-the-counter kit. Maybe we want to be really sure.

At first, I was scared like am I ready to be a mom? Am I ready to take care of another life? But Harry was just the happiest man alive and I'm am really happy to have a family with him. After knowing the good news, Harry already ask my management about the maternal leave and that was just too soon. Maybe he's just really concern and more protective knowingly that there's another life inside of me. We were really excited at that time, and we did not tell the whole world except the people closest to us. We're very excited that we made a list of names and there are hundreds of names written. We had a petty fight on what should be the gender. He wanted a prince and I wanted a princess. Nonetheless, we both love what'll God give us.

After the check-up, I've been experiencing abdominal and pelvic pains for days. Harry said that it might be a baby kicking and I quickly slap his face due to his idiotic suggestion. He clearly didn't listen to the lecture of his teacher during the topic of reproductive system when he was still in school. I already know that there's something wrong because I already have an idea about ectopic pregnancy, which I have watched on news and documentaries. We went to the gynecologist and it was confirmed. We're both devastated and the doctor said that if it's not removed immediately, there's a risk of maternal death and we don't want that. She informed us about taking a medicine that will inhibit the growth of embryo, eventually killing it. In short, we're doing an abortion but to save my life.

As much as we want to save the baby, we cannot risk my life. Harry was so devastated that he cannot go to work or sometimes cannot talk to me. I'm hurting but I have to be strong for us so, I did not show any sign of weakness and I said that we'll just try again. If it's hard for me, probably it's also hard for him because the pride of the father is his son or daughter and if I wasn't able to give it, it's like he cannot fully be a man. Although he already decided that we have to do the procedure to make sure I'm alive or I'll face complications which could lead to death.

I was in the hospital for the procedure and I don't feel like I should abort my child. I want to try every single way to save our child but medically speaking, there's no way. Me and Harry didn't really talk about it. It was like a casual decision but it was very evident in his eyes the pain and disappointment that he can't even look me straight in the eye. I wish he just had the condom on, at least we don't face this kind of situation. Everything was full of if's just to get out of this shit but that was damn reality. We didn't really talk about everything when we were in the hospital. Whenever I speak, he said that I should just save it and build up some energy. Physically, it will just be passed in my menstrual period but to take it emotionally, I need tons of energy.