[VIXX NEO] My Journey To Happiness

Chapter Nine

Why? Why sometimes my brain becomes my enemy? I thought.

Sometimes I wanted to keep quiet and other times I wanted to be loud. These mood switch were the baddest situation.

I hate when my thoughts collide with each other and my feelings get involved.

There are certain things about which we cannot discuss to anyone. Inner voice is a blessing, that we should respect. God has given an ability to every human to think and that voice cannot speak to anyone else, but YOU.

I respect it. It helps to keep many secret about ourselves, you can filter the wrong thoughts later.

Ken once said playfully that there are two people to whom, we should speak the truth. One is mom and another one is doctor. We laughed at one point when he made it look like a joke. But, its true. He was right.

But then, again, we have restrictions to them, too. Of course mom knows everything but we cannot share everything. Everything is not a word to everyone.

Everyone have the rights to keep a part of themselves, secretive.

I cannot remember anything about past few hours. I always keep my mind active during fansigns.

I know these few seconds of meeting ain't gonna be a miracle. But to the fans its more than just a meeting. I know it. I'm a fan of my favorite celebrities too.

But, today I got myself thinking about something and got distracted from my actual activity. This wasn't the first time but during a fan meet, maybe its my first time.

My ear plugs are on, but no music was played in my cellphone. I do this, whenever I want to avoid any conversation and to get some private time with myself. Thinking.

There are moments, I'd felt humiliation to my thoughts. Yes, its about hormones. Steroids. Where you would feel wrong things, in a wrong way.

Then again, I can't even conclude its right or wrong.

I believe every human being have to go through this phase. Its pathetic to think, this thing has no time manners. It can pop into your mind any time, anywhere.

I had so many plans for this eve, for this fan sign, but this eff, ruined it.

To be honest, I'm not in a relationship, I'm not attracted to any idols.

After creating LR, I feel like my responsibilities are doubled. Double shows, double fansings, double promoting activities. I could hardly get some VIXX family time.

I am happy with VIXX and I'm glad with LR. But, when I have time to relax I don't wanna get blocked by stupid thoughts.

Sometimes I feel like I may faint, when you over think about anything random. When you need a solution to a problem and when its for a mental challenge, it gets even worse.

Right now my mind has only one question, how would Leo be taken over by the hormones?

Sometimes you just sit and stare at something, thinking about a random thing, which means nothing to you.

Sexual desire is one. Yes, how does it even touches your mind, while you're not in the intention of love, marriage or anything related to it?

I feel humiliated whenever my brain takes this side of me. I don't like being a human, at this point. Human beings has to go through some things that they don't respect, even.

Its worse when it gets the better of me and I try harder to find a way to get over my unwanted thoughts. Age? Maybe.

I'd glanced on the internet, but instead of solutions, I've got some kind of people, who are suffering just like me. Sigh.