[VIXX NEO] My Journey To Happiness

Chapter Five

I entered my room to search for my diary, but I saw N throwing a piece of paper on me, that hit my shoulder and landed on my palm, with a sudden grab. A catch.

I quickly glanced at the paper....

"Having an everyday strife
No reason, no life
I'm still glowing bright
I pity on myself.

Happiness and sorrows are different vibe
I had nothing on my hurts, to wipe
I'm treated as a mediocre-self
I pity on myself.

Agony of emptiness,
Aura of uneasiness
Took over myself
That, I pity on myself."

Was an unfinished poem written by Jung Taekwoon, long ago. I cannot believe N had read it and tore that page from my diary!

He looked really angry. My heart started beating faster and I took two long breaths in a series. He walked towards me, his jaw set tight.

"What the hell was that, Leo?" he asked. I felt bad.

"I can't believe that you're going through such deep feelings but never considered me or any of us? Which is not a joke. Imagine, if a stranger reads your piece of work, what they'll think about us?" he yelled again. I knew he was little short tempered but I had never seen him that angry.

Luckily, we are alone in the dorm, while others are busy, outside.

"Answer me?" N demanded, grabbing my arms tightly. I kept mum. I saw tears forming in his eyes. His anger and pain started melting into tears.

I'd so many desires in life, most of them went out of oxygen and died. But, after entering my adolescence, I'd deleted most of the petty things.

I'd figured out how stupid I was and understood maturity. But, then, there are many instances that gives me nostalgia and hate for myself, when my progress feels just like an illusion.

This old half-written poem, brought back all of those regretful moments, I've gone through myself. I feel ashamed for being dumb and overprotective, towards my emotions.

N sat on the bed, biting his lip.

Tears started falling down his cheeks. He wiped them lazily.

'I don't know' was my worst enemy who lived most of my life.

"Hakyeon, please don't cry." I tried to convince him. He glared at me. "I can do whatever I want." He mocked me. I sighed and sat beside him.

"I'd written this when I was feeling lost and sad. Now I am not like that. I'd understood sometimes when you look back, so many things once it meant so much to you doesn't mean anything now. Past is actually a stupid thing." I tried to assure him that I wasn't stressed like that anymore.

"This poem is one and half years old, Leo. Do you want me to say anything else?" He asked. His tears weren't stopping at all. I slowly understood why he was hurt. I was already a part of VIXX when I wrote that poem. I never shared my pain to my members, that bugs him.

I turned him towards me and wiped his tears gently, "Hakyeon, you guys are not responsible for everything I do. We all have a fight within ourselves and you can't just simply bother others." I said without realizing my words. He looked sad. "So sharing pain is annoying? We also shared our pain to you, is that bad?" He threw my own words on my face in a different way.

I told myself to be calm. "No. I mean, there's no specific reason behind my sadness when I wrote this. All I wanna say is, some problems don't have a solution. Over the time you will understand it isn't a problem at all." I explained. He looked a little better.

"I can't say how I felt after reading it. I almost thought you are still hurting yourself with something and I panicked how am I going to solve it! I can't let you be in pain and hide from all of us. You deserve happiness." He said. His words made my heart flutter.

I pulled him closer to my chest. "Hakyeon, I am sorry for making you feel that way. I won't let this happen again." I promised. We stayed in silent and he was still holding me tighter.

When he broke from the hug, he looked at me. "Leo, I still want you to be open. Seriously, it hurts more to realize that you were in pain and we didn't even notice. If you wear such attitude? We can't open ourselves to you either, even though we all know it won't be a burden to you." He advised. I felt very small.

"I understand what you are trying to say." I said. He smiled. I was relieved to see him normal. His eyes were red and he looked so tired.

I felt something in me was changing after talking to him about something I'd never wanted to share on my own. "Now let's do something else," he said. I nodded. "A movie?" He asked. I agreed.