Love is Our Resistance

9/06/05

Dear Dan,

I just got home from school. And I'm so happy.

See, I'm happy most of the time. That's just how I am. But I can't honestly say I've been this happy in quite a while.

I should probably start when school ended yesterday.

You had asked me earlier if I wanted to come over to yours and study for a while before I went home. Took the "Guess I don't really have anywhere to go" bait, didn't you?

I love that I get to see you every day at school, of course, but you're always so disconnected when we're out somewhere. That first night I spent at your house was the best I'd had in a long time. You were so... lively. You seemed so joyous and present and in the moment when it was just the two of us. I really miss having that Dan around. And being alone with you is what seems like the only way to spend some time with him. I could've studied at my place, sure, but I honestly have trouble focusing when I'm constantly worrying about when your next anxiety attack is going to happen... and whether or not I'll be there to help.

So, anyway, I gladly accepted your invitation before watching you resume your awkward, hunched gait over to French class.

Smiling to myself, I turned back towards the door that lead to the boys locker room and stepped inside.

Well, gee. I'm in hell, now, aren't I?
I thought as the smell of Axe and disappointment washed over me.

Glancing down at my nearly translucent twig-like arms, I decided it'd be best to change in an empty shower stall instead of out in the open. I'm not the least bit ashamed of how I look, but I knew quite well how mean guys with intimidating bodies can be.

After slipping into a t-shirt and gym shorts, I began walking slow laps around the edge of the gym floor. I didn't even notice when Louise jogged up beside me.

"Hey, Phil. Has Dan talked to you yet?"
She asked quietly.

"About what?"

"The, um... What happened on Monday."

"Oh. Yeah, he called. Doesn't talk much when I see him here."
I mumbled.

She gave me a sad smile.

"You get used to it."

"Would you... happen to know who those guys were that walked in right before Dan's um... episode?"

I wasn't going to ask, and I knew you preferred not to talk about it, but every time I thought about it I remembered the fear in your caramel eyes... I couldn't help but feel curious.

"Phil... I'm sorry, but that's up to Dan. Whether you should know or not. Though, I have a feeling he'll open up to you about it. If you ask him."

"I did ask him. On the phone. Why do you think he'll open up to me, of all people?"

She shrugged.

"He's different around you."

I felt my heart rate pick up a bit at that, though I'm not quite sure why.

"How so?"

"I ran into him right after he asked you to come over. And he was smiling. Dan doesn't smile."

"What? Of course he does. He smiles a lot. You make him sound like an emotionless robot."

I argued, my tennis shoes squeaking on the freshly polished gym floor.

"He is an emotionless robot. He doesn't smile, he doesn't laugh, he doesn't cry. He barely talks at all. Unless you're around."

I felt my cheeks grow hot. Unless I'm around? What was that supposed to mean?