Love is Our Resistance

9/7/05

Dear Dan,

I never got around to explaining why I was so happy in that last letter, did I? Must've been pretty curious, considering how... upsetting that afternoon started out to be.

Well, honestly, it wasn't all rainbows and flowers at all, for the majority of the afternoon. I let you lean into me and held you as you stared endlessly into your own eyes. I don't know what exactly was going through your mind at the moment, but I knew it was better than what would've been if I hadn't said anything. After what seemed like an eternity, you spoke again.

"I have best friend."
You said, almost as if in disbelief. I buried my head in your shoulder so you wouldn't see how wide I was grinning.

*

"Can we go somewhere?"
You asked suddenly, looking up at me from your cuccoon of blankets on the floor.

"Uh... Sure. Where exactly?"

"I dunno. Just for a walk."

I strolled over to your door and grabbed my grey hoodie off the knob.

"Alright. Let's go."

We bumped loudly down the stairs in silence and out the door. The air had cooled even more since the afternoon, as the sky was begginging to darken. The tree branches above looked like long, black shadows of people reaching towards the faint crescent moon in the sky.

We made our way down your narrow suburban road in silence, though I could tell we were both thinking about the same thing. You poured your heart out to me, and, as I promised I would, you expected me to to the same. I'd thought this through, I really had, it's just... I needed to figure out where to start. By telling you this, I was breaking a barrier in our friendship. This was what would solidify a no-secrets policy between us. And I know that you had been through things that lead you to believe having and sharing feelings towards something or someone was a bad thing, and I don't blame you. But maybe, if I was careful, I could convince you that it was safe to let down those walls you hid behind. Not only safe, but right. Nothing you could ever tell me was shameful. This was a big step in convincing you it was okay. And I needed to do it right.

"It shouldn't be a huge shock that I got bullied when I started secondary school."
I began quietly as we turned a corner onto an even smaller street.

"That's just because you didn't have anyone to defend you."
You replied flatly, tucking your hands into the pockets of your hoodie.

"I guess. It doesn't really matter, honestly. They were just testing my limits."

"Who was it?"
You asked.

"Everyone. Boys, girls, nerds, jocks, popular kids, losers, misfits, and everything in between. I was a widespread target there. It was like a game. Who could break Phil's spirit first?

That's the reason they really targeted me. I was the happiest looking boy you'd ever seen, despite how lonely I was. They knew they could get to me somehow. But I swore I wouldn't let them. It wasn't even a bully/victim deal at this point. It was a competition. Phil against the world."

You shook your head in disbelief.

"I can't believe how strong you are sometimes."

"You mean how strong I look."
I corrected.

You inturrupted me by grabbing my arm and pulling me suddenly off the road towards a wire fence lining a thick forest area.

"Follow me. I know a path back here."
You said, hoisting yourself over the fence and landing with a crunch on the blanket of dead leaves.

I followed, and soon enough we were surrounded by trees and shrubs on all sides. I trusted you knew where you were going, so I trailed behind you as I continued my story.

"It started out with laughter. You know, name calling, pointing, everything you'd generally get from those with the mentality of a 7 year old.

But I never flinched. I never ran off, or cried, or even told them to shut up. Because that's what they wanted out of me. They wanted to see the smiling boy frown for once. But I didn't.

Next came the physical stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, it wasn't what you see in the cinema where the scrawny kid gets the living crap beat out of him every day by some muscley dudes in an alley. It was more pushing and shoving. I got punched in the stomach more than once, but as long as I smiled through it, they knew I had won once again."

We had trudged our way through heaps of dead leaves and sticker bushes until we finally came to an area where the leaves had been pushed aside, forming a winding path. It was becoming harder to see as we moved onward underneath the thick canopy of branches overhead.

"At some point, the teasing and fooling around evolved into more prank-like things, like putting shaving cream in my locker or replacing my water bottle with one filled with viniger. Of course, when I still didn't react, they started getting kinda desperate. But no matter what they did, I still laughed in their faces as if the joke was on them.

I don't think they ever thought about it, but I was the one who had control over them after all. They couldn't upset me no matter how hard they tried, but all I had to do to get on their nerves was smile. It was that simple."
I explained.

We finally reached a small clearing, where the ground was nearly bare, save for a few young twigs poking up from the dry soil. Several of the trees were fallen and lying across each other, forming bridges and ladders to climb or sit on.

"Would you like to sit down? We've been walking for a while."
You asked.

I nodded and sat gently on a rough tree trunk lying just a couple feet above ground. You placed yourself beside me and flashed a crooked smile.

"Continue."

I took a deep breath.

"So, one chilly morning, just at the start of Spring, I was walking to the bus stop. I was almost at the corner, when this boy- I think he was called Max- popped out from behind a shrub and started squirting me with a water gun filled with chocolate syrup. Luckily, he wasn't a very good shot and only hit the side of my arm. Of course, I just licked a bit off and grinned at him. He signed, and started to walk away, but when he reached the edge of the road, he tripped over the curb and fell. His head... hit the pavement."

Your eyes began to cloud with concern at my sudden change in emotion.

"I called an ambulance. He was okay, but when he woke up he told the doctors... that it was me."

"What?"

"Yeah... That was it. I was suspended. Finally a prank I couldn't laugh at."

-Phil