Love is Our Resistance

9/23/05

Dear Dan,

. . .

Your eyes were ablaze. I could instantly feel the flames licking at my face. I sucked the chill from the air into my cheeks to cool them, but once you began to move towards me, my entire body caught the heat.

Conjugal fear seized my chest. The Dan I knew was the Dan that would never hurt me. But he hadn't been around for quite some time.

Despite this, the soles of my shoes were fused with the ground. I was frozen in place.

You looked like a maniac, running towards me like that. Tears ran down your reddened face, hair stuck to the sides of your head and fists clenched so tightly your knuckles were white. I had no time to think, no time to speak, or react at all. And in an instant you were there...

Hugging me. Holding me tightly against your chest and releasing your sobs into the top of my head.

I held stiff.

"This isn't an apology."

You pulled your face away to look at me, one hand gripping my back and the other cupping my cheek.

"You don't understand. There's no time. I've made up my mind, Phil."
You said frantically, shaking with something much more frigid than the cool September air.

"What are you talking about?"

"I've made up my mind that's it's much more important that you know how I feel than my own safety. I'm not angry, Phil. I'm not mad at you, I love you. I love you, I love you."

Safety? What was this about safety?

"W-what? Are you in trouble with someone?"
I asked.

"They're going to kill me. They're going to kill both of us. You have to leave, or they're going to kill us. I've seriously crossed the line now, but I'm not going to let them hurt you. Get out. As soon as you can, just go. Go to the city, find a relative, do something. As long as you run, they can't get to you."

Unsure of what to say or do, I glanced around to see if anyone was still around. The only person anywhere near where we stood was Louise, who had gravitated about 10 meters away- to let us talk, I assume. I could see that she was watching intently.

"Dan, please calm down. Just tell me what's going on and I'll do what I can to help you, okay?"
I said in a low voice.
You shook his head violently, still smiling manically and gripping my hands tightly in yours.

"There's no time to explain. If I find a way to contact you without them knowing, I will. But for now, this is probably the last you'll ever see of me. So just promise me you'll do what you can to get away from here as fast a you can, alright?"

I could see now that it was pretty useless trying to reason with you in this state. I wondered of you were having another episode of sorts, though this was nothing like the last one. You looked like a damn maniac. And it scared me much more than any other state I had ever seen you in.

"Dan, you can't leave me again, I can't take it, I... Just talk it out with me, I'll do whatever I-"

"Shhhh, don't talk so loud! They can hear you!"

I shook silently in front of you, unable to find anything left that was worth saying.

"Just go. Leave. I'll be alright. I love you, okay?"
You spoke desperately fast, as if you had a bomb strapped to your chest.

"Okay."

"Phil..."
You whispered.

"Run."

And in a matter of seconds, you were gone.

-Phil