Love is Our Resistance

9/05/05

Dear Phil,

Can I just take a moment to apologize? I can't believe I've been so ridiculous as to keep something like this from you for so long. Idiot! I cannot even imagine how scared you must've been. All my friends were perfectly calm and rational, as always, whereas you were completely clueless and terrified, thanks to me.

You know I don't like crowds. Of course. You know I don't like asking for things, or being around other people in public. But... I never told you just how bad this shit could get to me. And I am so dreadfully sorry, Phil.

After the day finally ended, I scrambled to finish my homework and called you as fast as I possibly could.

"Dan!"
You exclaimed after picking up on the first ring.

"Hey... Listen, I'm so sorry for not explaining sooner."
I began shakily.

"It's okay! You can tell me now. I won't be mad."

Relief flooded through me at the sound of your cheery voice.

"See... I just... I have this constant panicky feeling when I'm around other people. I can't relax... not completely. I shake, and my palms get sweaty, and my heart starts pounding... It gets to be way too much sometimes. And the only way to describe how it feels is... like a panic attack times 40."
I inhaled deeply, waiting for your response.

"Oh, Dan... Never apologize for something you can't help. But... if you don't mind me asking, what are you afraid of? I mean, do you think that people are going to hurt you or something? Cause I wouldn't let that happen. I'll fight someone."

I chuckled.

"That's not really something that's easy to explain. Are... you afraid of spiders?"

"Oh God, yes."

"So... if a spider crawled over your leg even though you knew it wasn't poisonous or dangerous in any way... Would you still be scared?"

You thought for a moment.

"I'd probably die right there on the spot."

"See, that's what you'd call an irrational fear. You know nothing is going to hurt you, but that doesn't change the fact that it terrifies you."

"That makes a lot of sense, actually. But it only seemed to get to that point when those tall guys walked in. Do you know them? Should I fight them?"

I bit down on my lip and chewed it thoughtfully.

"Yeah. Erm, listen, I gotta go eat dinner. I'll see you tomorrow morning."
I rambled and quickly hung up.

Try not to worry, Phil. I'm going to tell you. Just... I'd rather do it in person. I find a lot of value in being able to see your face when I tell you things like that.

*
The next day went by just as slowly, but not quite as painfully. You stayed protectively close to me as well, which, I must admit, helped a whole lot.

Once lunch finally came, you got to meet Clover. Tyler came in with him and brought him over just before you arrived.

"Hey, buddy. How was your morning?"
Alex smiled.

"G-good morn... Good morning! A-and you?"
He replied in his classic, sweet tone.

"Not bad. Though I sometimes wish Mr. Fugby wouldn't assign homework on the second day..."

Tyler slammed his fist on the table.

"Right??? That man is on my hit list, lemme tell you. If Mr. Fuckboy catches me on the wrong day, he's not going to live to see his next birthday."

"Tyler, can you chill? It's kinda early in the year to be making death threats."
Louise chimed in.

That's when you walked in and slid into the seat next to mine.

"Who's making death threats?"

"Who do you think?"
Alex muttered, rolling their eyes.

I smiled and tried my best to relax, as I felt you eyeing me cautiously.

"Oh, Phil, this is Clover. Clover, this is Phil."
Louise said, gesturing to you.

"P-pleas... Pleasure to m-m-meet y... ou."
Clover grinned and attempted to extend his hand to shake yours.

Unfortunately, he can't exactly manage his muscular movements very well, so he retracted his arm and tucked it back beside him in his wheelchair.

"My ap-pologies... I've be... been blessed w-with s-some muscle spa... spasms."
He explained, giggling.

You shrugged.

"That's okay."
*

Later in the day, I found you humming to yourself outside the boys locker room.

"Hey. What are you doing here?"
I asked with a smile.

"I have no where better to be during this unnecessary five minutes before class."
You shrugged.

"Can you believe Mr. Fugby is going to be testing us tomorrow? It's the third day for Christ's sake. Tyler's gonna flip."

"Oh geez, you're right. I'm going to start out with a failing grade. Plus I have no where to study tonight."
You sighed.

An idea crept into my mind when you spoke those words. What an excellent, innocent excuse to be with you.

"You could come over to mine if you'd like."
I said casually.

Nice, Dan. Play it cool.

You smiled and shrugged again.

"Sure."

I internally cheered but gave you a small wave, and turned to head to my next class.

Play it cool.

-Dan