Love is Our Resistance

9/22/05

Dear Phil,

It's been two weeks now. And I haven't had one single moment of peace in that time.

They're watching, Phil. If I leave my room for even one solitary second, I know they can see me. I get warnings from them now too. Calls, texts, notes... Every day. And trust me when I tell you... That I am in hell.

I don't sleep anymore. I can't sleep. I can't sleep through the guilt, the anger, the fear. It's possessed every last bit of me, and it has no interest in pausing my torment for rest. My mum has started to put things in my drinks because she knows it's the only way I'll sleep through the night. You'd think I'd be angry, but I'm actually quite thankful. I've forgotten how much fun it is to forget who you are for a while.

I got out of school for a few days claiming to be sick, but I was forced to go eventually. If only my mum understood how dangerous it was to put my in an environment like that. Especially since you're there.

I don't think anyone could possibly comprehend what lengths I'm going to to keep you safe. I didn't think it would be that difficult at first, honestly. I'd just explain to you that I had to pretend to avoid you for a little bit, get proof that we were being hunted, and let the police take care of it. But they knew my plans. And they made damn sure that I kept my mouth shut. If I tell a single soul that they're after me, I won't live to see the next morning.

My mind is like a bird cage. Each question is a fluttering, whirring creature that mindlessly darts in circles in hopes of escape.

How do they watch me, I wonder? How do they know who I text, who I call? How do they always know where I am? How do they hear every word I say? For the love of fucking god, how???

Though, I must say, the one thing that has taken it's place as the single most excruciating, laborious, and agonizing thing I've ever experienced is having to stay away from you. It may seem like I'm exaggerating when I say this, but I promise you I'm not.

It truly just isn't fair, Phil. I think about you every day, and dream about you every night. You never leave my mind. Yet there you are, thinking I'm angry at you... that you did something wrong. If only you knew just how horrible it is to see you in pain and know I can't do anything about it without getting you killed. I didn't think my sanity is going to last much longer. And god... I was right for once.

Yesterday morning. I woke up feeling like my head had been stuffed with tissues. I cracked my eyes open as slowly as possible to see a gentle, soft face haloed by a nest of chestnut brown hair.

"Danny, please wake up. Dan?"

I groaned and attempted to lift my head bit as my eyes adjusted to the light. Everything was cloudy... Just the lovely after effects of whatever my mum was drugging me with.

"Dan, it's Friday. You have to go to school."

"Ellie, go tell mum I'm not feeling well. I'm not getting up."

I rolled back over and pulled the covers over my chilly, bare arms.

"You have to go to school. You have to."
Her sweet little voice sounded oddly desperate... Almost angry.

"Please, Ell... Just leave me alone."

"No! You have to! At least get out of bed, please..."
Her voice cracked on the last few words, like she was on the verge of tears.

I sat up slowly and scooted over so she could sit next to me on the bed.

"Hey... Don't be like that... What's wrong?"