Love is Our Resistance

8/27/05

Dear Dan,
It's midnight and I can't sleep. But don't worry, it's for a really really good reason! I'm going to try and write this in the calmest way possible. (Meaning hopefully I can refrain from using all capital letters. Pray for me.)

So here's what happened today. Or yesterday, I guess, considering it's 12:17.

Trying to find you was a bit of a mess. Not because there were a lot of people there, or because it was easy to get lost in. Simply because you had, of course, chosen a table in the very back of the place, which isn't what people typically do when they're  meeting someone.
When I finally did find you, you were at a table in the very very back. I wasn't sure if it was you at first, since you had your head down, and your hair wasn't curly like it used to be. But as soon as I got close enough, I smelled cinnamon, and I knew it was you. You still didn't move, though. So I sat down across from you. Then you looked up. I swear, you had the most terrified look I'd ever seen on your face. Like a scared little puppy. I was sad at first, cause I thought you were afraid of me, but then your face changed and you got this smile on your face. It was like when the sun comes up in the morning. Your face got brighter and brighter until the entire room was lit up.

You are a beautiful person, Dan. I don't mean to be weird, I promise. But I have to admit, I can't help but notice how your chocolate brown eyes compliment your dimpled cheeks. I love the way your hair falls over your left eye. I love the way your eyes crinkle at the edges when you smile. I simply can't help myself. I'm am artsy person, I tend to notice these things. You mesmerize me.

Anyway, after a few silent moments of taking it all in, I said
"Hello, Dan."
And you replied with
"Hello, Phil."
And then we laughed, and I don't really know why, but it felt nice. It's been awhile since I've laughed with someone else.

So I asked how you were doing, and you said
"Now? Brilliant."
And that made me feel brilliant too.

It turns out the two of us have more in common than you'd think. We have similar taste in music, for example. I told you that I really liked Fall Out Boy, and your eyes got all wide and you said,
"I cry listening to them at least four nights a week."
With the most serious look on your face.

I burst out laughing.

"Why? Does is make you sad?"
I asked.

And you said,
"No. I just cry a lot and I happened to love Fall Out Boy."

"I don't want you to cry, Dan."

"Well, tonight has been the first night I haven't felt like crying in a while."

And then you smiled at me, and the room was all lit up again.

After a minute you started asking me about all these other bands that you like, and I didn't know hardly any of them. I suppose I really do need to broaden my horizons. So I suggested that you show them to me. And you asked me when.
And I said,
"I guess we'll have to meet up again soon."

That was really brave of me. Who could blame me, though? I want to have you as a friend. More than you could imagine.

So you said,
"I'd like that. I'm always free."

I find that hard to believe, Dan. I know I'm the only socially inept person on this planet, but golly. I'd expect you to have girls chasing after you 24/7. Or boys. Probably both. (I don't judge.)

I don't remember a whole lot of our conversation after that, I guess because of how much faster time goes by when you're enjoying yourself.

Finally, around 8, I asked if you'd like to go out onto the ice for a while. But as soon as I said it, your smile faded away and you started biting your lip really hard.

"Dan? Are you okay?"
I asked.

"I- ah- I just... Oh god."

"Please tell me what's wrong."

And you looked down at your lap, really sad.

"I don't like being around other people, Phil. It scares the shit out of me."

I frowned.

"Why? Are they mean to you?"

"No. I'm just... I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me."

I don't think anythings wrong with you, Dan. You just have to be a little more brave than others. But don't worry, I'll be there so you won't have to be brave.

"Well, if it gets bad, just grab my arm and we'll come back over here. In the corner. Where it's safe."

You laughed a little and took a deep breath.

"Okay. Stay close."

Then we walked out and grabbed our skates, (of course I had to get yours for you, since you were too scared to ask the man at the front desk, but what are friends for?) and we skated around in circles until you finally looked at the clock and realized it was 10:45 at night. So we walked outside, sat down on the bench, and waited for our rides.

It was a beautiful night. Calm. Starless. Quiet.

We were silent at first, but suddenly you turned to me and asked,

"Phil? Do you really not have any friends around here?"

I shook my head no.

You frowned at me.

"But you seem so happy. I don't mean to be rude, but I would be pretty down if I was that lonely."

"You can't be sad about losing something if you never had it in the first place. It's like this. Do you, or have you ever had a time machine?"

You looked at me really strange and said,
"No."

"Well do you sit around and feel sorry for yourself because you don't have one? Do you ever even really think about it?"

You shook your head.

"You can only miss something if you had it at some point in the past. The only way to have a hole in your heart is to have had something that previously occupied that space. So, to get to the point, I'm perfectly happy. I like myself. I'm confident. I enjoy living."

You were quiet for a long time before you spoke again.

"Having friends is one of the best feelings in the world, though. You deserve to know what that's like."

I stared at you.

"Let me show you what it's like, Phil."

I nodded.

"Okay."

That's when your mum pulled up in her car and you stood up to leave. You hugged me, smiled, and disappeared off into the warm night.

My t-shirt still smells like cinnamon.

-Phil