Invisible

Chapter 17 One Emotion

Screaming. The gunshot. Blood, so much blood. My fists stuffed in my mouth. 'Don't scream, he'll hear you.' Realization. Another shot. Hysteria.

I'm not even asleep an hour, the memories are so real, so vivid. I want them to stop. But I know if I want to live then this is my price. Tonight the price feels too heavy.

They moved me to a room near the psych ward, bad decision. For everyone, I probably wake half of the hospital up with my screams. It takes 4 more days to get released.

Fresh air feels so nice on my skin. I look at my left arm, it's in a sling and will remain that way for a while, my future holds both physical and mental therapy.

I have 2 months off of work. I am so grateful, and lost. I have nothing to do, I'm living at Al and Maggie's again and between gun shot and depression I can't stop the flashbacks. I feel like that skinny, quiet, 17 year old that I've tried so hard to destroy.

I spend my mornings 'talking about my feelings' and building my muscles, repairing damage. Both are painful but the physical pain takes me away from the emotional.

Afternoons I spend with the kids, we play and I clean, make supper, do laundry. Everything takes longer with only one arm to use.

Some nights I babysit, and every Friday the whole crew goes out to eat.

I know I've become withdrawn and sullen, only Tiffany seems not to understand. But she didn't know me from before.

Before I know it my 2 month period is almost up and I've almost gotten full range of motion back in my arm. It still hurts sometimes but I'm getting over it.

I'm hurrying around, trying to make the house look presentable when there's a knock on the door. I hurry to answer it, now that the twins can reach the lock the door is never closed to visitors. Just last week I found a UPS man in the living room because I needed to sign for a package and Gordi invited him in.

"Bill?"

"Hi Leah. Can I come in?" My boss looks upset, worried.

"Sure, what is it?" I open the door wider and he steps in.

"Does this VCR work?" He gestures to the entertainment system.

"Yeah, sure."

He pops in a tape without another word.

"Bill, what?.."

The tape starts to play. It's footage of Bill's office. I see Tori and I sitting under the desk. My anxiety rises.

"Um... can you fast forward?" He asks.

I point to the remote and he grabs it. I can't take my eyes off of the screen.

I watch the whole thing play out in front of my eyes. I feel sick, I feel tears pour down my face. I see Tori spring up and then I watch as I tackle her to the ground. I see Mitch get hit and fall, he doesn't move.

"Turn it off!" I shriek, collapsing to the floor completely out of breath. "Did... did the police see this?"

"No, I've been confused about the whole thing. Why did you and Tori lie. You saved her life, it wasn't a stray bullet. Did she threaten you or something?"

"No... I asked her to lie." I say it so quietly I don't know if he heard it.

"Are you in some kind of trouble? Is that why you don't want your name or picture out? Leah do you need help?"

His concern both relieves me and scares me. "No. I'm not in trouble. I have a past... something that I can't relive and if people found out..." I'm crying too hard to continue and I'm still out of breath.