The Quarterback »Jake T. Austin fanfic«

Tears.

I couldn't keep my tears in anymore. Everything hit me all at once and it sucked. It sucked so much. It terrified me how much it hurt in all honesty. I didn't think I would be so attached to someone as I am or was. It hurt that after that I knew I still love him and it hurt even more knowing that if he showed up at my door anytime this week I would be weak. I would absolutely go back to him no matter how hurt I was at this moment. I knew that the pain I felt didn't even measure up to the happiness I endured when I was with him. Nothing could really compare to that happiness. I couldn't help but break into more tears. I'd never had my heart broken like this before. It hurt. It hurt so, so bad and as much as I tried to keep myself under control, it was hard. I couldn't do it. I broke once more. As I tried to keep myself together, it only seemed to break me down more. The realization that even now, I hoped he would climb through the window to comfort me.

My feelings were mixed as I curled into a ball. My heart was broken, shattered. I felt like I couldn't breathe; like I was drowning. I've never felt like this. I'd never even thought about being this heart broken. How was it possible that this happened to me? I was so strong. It was almost impossible to break me down but this more than just broke me down. It ripped me apart from the inside out. I felt so many things; Hopelessness, despondent, desperate. I felt empty. I felt numb. I felt void. My body shook and my head hurt and my heart hurt but my body somehow also felt numb. This never happened before. I didn't know what was happening but I couldn't stop it. Sticky tears clung to my cheeks and made my cheeks feel tight as I stared up at the ceiling silently asking why this happened. Why did it have to be me? Why was I the one so heartbroken? How could he do this to me?

I thought you weren't supposed to hurt the one you loved. I couldn't wrap my mind around everything that happened. I hadn't broken down the whole day but the moment I reached this room, when I remembered the last time he was up here with me, something went off in me and I fell to the ground, the entire world spinning around me. I couldn't even breathe as my heart thudded heavily against my ribs. The more I tried to calm myself, the stronger the pain got, as if telling me to stop fighting it. I eventually did and let the pain soak through my body. I'd feel numb at one point then suddenly the pain would shoot through me like a knife then it twisted all through me, stirring my insides and making me nauseous. I ran to the bathroom and collapsed in front of the toilet almost too late. I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes. Maybe if I close my eyes the pain will go away, I thought. I had no idea where Rose was as she'd left after I assured my wellbeing. Although she didn't believe me, she let me go. I convinced her enough to leave me alone but I knew she'd call any moment to check up on me. As much as I wanted to seem alright to her, I wouldn't be able to pull it off.

Just as I said, the phone next to me rang. I answered without looking at the caller ID. I sniffled into the phone as I waited for her to speak.

"Dani," a voice that wasn't Roses whispered into the phone. My mouth fell open, the time stopping as I processed his voice which brought fresh, warm tears to my eyes and down my cheeks, mixing in with the old dried ones. I choked on my own spit as I tried to say something, anything. Nothing would come out as I sputtered. The words I didn't even know to say stuck in the back of my throat, being held back by the bile piling up there because of the tears I was trying to force back. I hadn't blinked since his voice rang through my ears, unable to let myself move a single muscle. I found myself unable to breathe once more as he started to murmur apologies. Without thought, I hung up the phone and chucked it away from me, thankful to have a protective case on it after I realized what I'd done. It rang 3 times after that but I didn't answer, scared that it would be his voice at the end of the line again. I brought my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth. I heard the door open from downstairs and was suddenly scared as the door opened quickly. Rose ran to me quickly, holding my still rocking body in her arms.

"Oh Dani," she breathed, "I'm so sorry." A sob escaped my lips.

"Let's get you cleaned up, okay?" she stood and held her hand in front of her. I felt too weak to even lift my arms. She lifted me up with a slight struggle and walked me to the sink to allow me to wash my face and brush my teeth. Even that was hard to do as my legs also felt week and numb. She walked me to the living room where she sat me down. I hated feeling this week and useless but it was as if my body was shutting down and all I could do was watch myself crumble into nothing but bones and a barely beating heart. My breathing wasn't doing any better. I still felt like I was drowning as everything else around me floating. Rose had left to the kitchen and came back with varieties of food. Usually, I'd be excited about the food but my appetite for food was buried 6 feet under. She handed me a half of a watermelon and a spoon. I gave her a questioning look.

"Take your anger out on this unsuspecting watermelon."

"I don't have any anger."

"The way you're holding that spoon in your fist says otherwise," I looked at my fist and sure enough, I had the spoon tight in my grasp. I loosened my grip on it, surely that would hurt if I could actually feel anything, "look, I know you're hurt and sad and heartbroken right now, but I know you're also angry and confused and frustrated so to help you get through the anger, I want you to stab the shit out of that watermelon and afterwards, you're going to eat it because you need to hydrate you those tears you wasted." Before she was done talking, I want already doing it, shoving the spoon forcefully into the watermelon over and over again.

By the end I felt okay but this was just the beginning and I'd never dreaded the future so much in my entire life as I did at this second.

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hey guys!

it took a lot to write this because its kind of coming from some personal experience that i may or may not be going through. They say write what you know so i did and this is what i know. I just want you guys to know that it does get better.. it might take weeks, months, years but heartbreak passes so if you ever feel down, upset, depressed, I care and I'm here for you because i care about every single one of you.

on a lighter note, my birthday is this Friday and on Saturday i have this thing at the Academy of Art University in San Fransisco and im both scared and excited! wish me luck guys lol

i love you all soooo much

-RoseXx