Vienna

six

*unedited

<5 years later>

Bellamy

"Mate, your piss drunk," Anthony laughs, patting my shoulder.

"Shut the fuck up, you're giving me a headache," I groan, flopping down on the couch, trying to block out the blaring noise around me.

"Did you fuck Stacey last week?" He asks curiously.

"Yeah, what about it?" I lie.

I'm a virgin, but that doesn't mean they have to know.

"Mate, she's fit, total ten," he nods, taking a sip of alcohol.

"Whatever, she's just some girl," I shrug.

He takes that as, 'Fuck off' and stalks away.

---

"Oh my! Bellamy, what is the means of all this? Are you drunk?" My mother asks as soon as I enter the door.

Dammit, I thought she was asleep.

"Nope, I'm totally not intoxicated," I scoff sarcastically.

"Why do you do this to yourself, Bellamy?," she sighs and I feel guilty. She really is concerned.

"Do what?" I ask, my voice harsh.

"Go to parties all the time, you're failing your lessons!" She yells.

"So..." I drag off, making it seem like I dont see her point even thought I know exactly what she's hinting toward.

Her.

"You're not you, Bellamy. Not since-"

"Don't," I snap, "Don't say her name."

"You've changed, honey. What happened to your ambitions? You're just going to throw them all away because some girl left you five years ago?" She asks judgementally.

She's not just some girl, she's Vienna.

"You don't know what you're talking about," I spit.

"I do know that my son is smart and capable of so much more, I just want what's best for you," she sighs tiredly.

"Maybe this is what's best for me.... I can't do much better..."

"Yes you can! You're not happy these days and it makes me sad. I know you miss her but you have to move on and be you! Not this," she gestures at my sloppy clothing and messy hair.

I can't move on. I won't move on.

There are some people that come in and out of your life who leave marks that you can't get rid of no matter how hard you try.

She's one of them.

She wasn't just one of them, she was Vienna.

She is Vienna. I just don't know where.

"Just get off my case," I spit and stomp up the stairs.

I hadn't really given much thought about my behaviour, it sort of just.... became me. I cringe at the memory of myself when she was here, it makes me sad and weak.

I'm not that dork anymore.

I won't ever be him again.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see her again. I've tried looking for her, but I gave up a long time ago.

It hurts. She was the only person that accepted my 'dorkiness'. So I guess to mask the pain of her not being here, I go get drunk, have 'sex', then wake up the next morning with vague memory of the night before.

But it's not like I can just... go back to the old me.... People expect me to be the way I am today.

And even though I don't want to admit it, I can't be that guy because it only brings back painful memories of the only girl I've ever loved.