Daddy's still here.

Life

She was my everything. That girl Who broke down my walls and saved me from my demons, she held out a hand and helped me up; but she didn't leave, she held my hand while I fixed myself and I think that's why she stole my heart so easily. Her short build and fragile body pressed to mine made me feel like superman when she needed a shoulder to cry on and I was the one she wanted. Those breathing taking blue eyes always looking to me and searching for my thoughts which she always found herself in because she was always on my mind. All the times she fell asleep on my chest and I would stay away not wanting to miss out on her sleeping face and the sounds of her small snores. The way she would groan every time she shifted into a different position or when she pasted her body even more onto mine. Every time she kissed me, everything else would disappear and it would be just us and the taste of her mint toothpaste and the smell of her vanilla perfume would intoxicate me making her my personal drug, my addiction for life.

Our first night together was nothing short from pure bliss and I'll never forget her telling me she loved me for the first time. My love for her grow with everyday like a tree sprouting from a single seed, but the seed was her smile and it was watered with love and trust, it grow leaves with honest and I'll never forget the day she brought home that test.Those two pink lines stopped my heart, but with the tears flowing down her cheeks in fear, yet joy it started pumping again and I wrapped the girl of my dreams in my arms and span around like a little kid hearing that we would be making a family of our own. As weeks passed we would go to the doctors hand in hand, facing the brutal truth together..........

"There is a high risk to your pregnancy." The doctors voice echoes in my head.

"What does that mean?" She squeezes my hand and looks over at me.

"Well, the baby isn't getting enough nutrients so she will be born a Premie. There is also a chance that you will not be able to handle the demands of delivery. You are very, very lucky you got pregnant in the first place." The doctor explains with a pitiful look to my love and then to me.

From that visit on, we paid close attention to all the things the doctor said for us to do and try as the baby got bigger and bigger. We were so excited for her to come out and be apart of our life's. When she woke me up that one night in a panic, we rushed to the hospital and everything was in a blur. All the beeping and her screams. I held her hand tightly as she squeezed mine, I whispered I love you's in her ear and kissed her forehead as hours passed and my hand was numb. The small cry that echoed the room made sighs of relief and smiles break a crossed her face and mine. I couldn't take my eyes off of my love as she held our new little baby, our daughter, my daughter. Her dark hair was thick and though her eyes were slightly grey, I could tell right away that they were going to be bright blue just like her mothers.

Everything was perfect, absolutely perfect...... But when my love handed me our daughter and I took my eyes off of my love for just a second, things took a turn for the worst. Her hand fell limp and hung off the side of the bed, her eyes glazed over. Doctors and nurses rushed around me and my daughter, they lead us to the hallway where I sat with my daughter in my arms trying not to crumble to the ground. After a few minutes the doctor came out with blood covering his white coat and a blank stare, a nurse came out from behind him and gently took my daughter from me.

"I'm sorry....she didn't make it." His voice is hollow and I can't catch myself as I fall to the ground. I sat there in the middle of the hall for hours, not caring who passed me and saw all the tears falling down my face to gather in my hands that held here just a few moments ago. When the time came I went into the room and not being able to see her lifeless face, I kissed her forehead through the thin white sheet places over her body. The nurses showed me what to do to take care of my daughter and I took her home, but every where I went in the house I was haunted by how she should be here, with us. My love always loved the name Maddie, even though I wasn't fond of it at the beginning, I love it all the more now for my baby's name, because it is what her mother would have wanted to name her. Weeks past and I still don't feel anything, but one day when I'm going through the diaper bag, I find a letter addressed to me. My loves delicate hand writing on the top of the envelope. I had shoved it away for months, but now that Maddie is asleep and I'm awake, thinking of her, I want to hear her voice, to touch her and kiss her, have her with me and to tell me it will all be ok like she used to do when she saved me from my demons.

"Dear Jason,
Fewww we have been through a lot together, but you know what? I wouldn't have picked a different life to live. I spent everyday falling in love with you all over again. You showed me what love should be like and how life should be spent doing. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was so scared you'd leave me..... But after I thought about it, it was silly of me to worry because no matter what you'll always love me, that's just who you are and I love you all the more for that. I couldn't have found a better man to fall head over heels with, I couldn't have found a better man to be my baby's father. I love you so much and I can't wait to see Maddie and you again amongst the stars with me.
Your love- Abby"

I sit on the floor and hold the letter to my aching chest as I hear her voice reading the letter to me as if she was really here. But Maddie starts to cry in the bed and I get up, laying next to her; with one hand I hold the letter to my chest still and with the other I rub the back of Maddie's hair, soothing her.

"Shhh, it's ok Maddie." I whisper.

"Shhh, daddy's still here." I kiss her small forehead and hear her small snore making my eyes water because they sound just like her mothers. I close my eyes and imagine Abby laying on the other side of Maddie, "daddy's still here." I whisper again as I dream of life with the three of us together.