Daddy's still here.

The life you leave behind

I carry the last few boxes of Maddie's room and pack them into her car, she's leaving. going off to college.

It's crazy how the time has passed.

It feels like just yesterday we were sitting at the counter waiting for the acceptance letters to get here. She's going to Harvard. My baby is going to Harvard. She is such a good kid and extremely start like her mother, I didn't doubt she'd get in.....but I guess I didn't process how far away she will be. I close the trunk and look up to see her walking down the steps to the front door, her back pack on and a baseball cap. Abbie loved that baseball hat, it was mine, but sense Abbie loved it so much and would wear it more than I would it slowly became hers. And now Maddie loves it and it makes me happy she is taking a part of her mother and me with her.

"Dad whatcha doing back there?" She stops on the last step and tilts her head to the side. A curious and humored smile on her face.

I'm standing behind the car with my hands on the trunk as if I'm pushing it down, but it's already closed and I was spacing out. I shrug and walk to her. She hugs me tightly and I do the same to her.

"Massachusetts huh?" I tease, but let it go silent as I cherish the feeling of her in my arms. We don't talk or laugh or joke. Just hug. I rest my chin on the top of her head and rub circles on her back.

"She'll be alright honey." I hear Abbie's voice in my head. I know she will be....but it will be different with her gone. I'll be letting go of another one of my girls. I hold in the tears. I lost you my love. Once Maddie is at college, I'll be alone. A soft warm breeze rustles my hair and blows Maddie's. It's a peaceful warm, comforting and I know that it was Abbie. She could always make me feel at ease and she could always tell when I needed her by my side.

"Honey everything is going to be ok." Abbie whispers into my ear while she rubs my shoulders.

I was crying. How manly I know.

But we had just gotten back from the doctors and they told us that there was a chance I'd lose both of them. The love of my life and my baby girl. I had been strong for so long, watching Abbie get a little weaker here and there, watching her need to rest more and she would forget to eat. But hearing the doctor tell me that I might lose them both was too much. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I lose both of them....id barely be living if I lose one.

"I love you Jason. More than life I love you. Do you love me?" She whispers and sat back in the couch.

I looked at her.

She really just question if I love her?

"Abbie. I love you. You know for a fact that I love you more than anything else in this world." I stare into her eyes and wait for her response.

She gives me a smile and nods. Tears raising in her eyes.

"I know you do. I'm scared too." She admits with a shrug.

I pull her into my lap and hold onto her like my safety line.

We don't say hopeful words to each other this time. We don't really talk at all. We cried. We sobbed and we held onto each other like the world was ending. We knew that there was a chance that something would go wrong. That there was a chance we wouldn't get a happy ending. We whispered I love you for hours and kissed and just held each other; we were scared.

Scared of the unknown.

Scared of the facts.

Scared that we might not get to see each other again.

Scared we might not get to raise our baby girl.

Scared that one of us would have to do it on our own.

It was something we couldn't change and it sucked.

It was the worst feeling I have ever felt.

If I had saw the future that I would have with Abbie and know that I would lose her when our daughter was born, would I have fallen madly in love with that sassy girl in the halls? The girl who sat in front of me on the bus? The girl who was too extremely gorgeous to be human? The answer is yes. I would fall in love with her all over again, even though I'd lose her. Thinking about it now...... She was too extremely gorgeous to be human. She must have been an angel. My angel. She came to save me, to love me, to make my life so Un-barely happy that when she had to return to heaven, she forgot that she would have to retune too.

But not until she gave me our creation. Our baby. Our beautiful girl. A piece of her for until I get to be with her in the stars. I let the tears fall now. They slide into the fabric of the baseball hat and they add to my presence and I hope that Maddie will be safe. Maddie looks up at me and gives me a smile, her own tears streaming down her face.

" I love you daddy." She says with a cracked voice.

"I love you too baby girl."

I wipe her tears and tap the top of her hat getting a small out of her. I smile too.

I'll see her again. She isn't going to far.

"Jacob meeting you there?" I ask with an eyebrow roll.

Maddie laughs and elbows my shoulder, "dad!"

They have been getting pretty serious and I can only hope that he doesn't break her heart. If he does....I'm going to break his face.

"Call me when you get there?" I walk with her to the drives seat and she nods.

I can tell that her nerves are getting to her.

"Hey. Daddy's here. I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere. When you need me, just call and I'll be on the next plan to that big fancy school." I pull her into my arms again and kiss her forehead. Nodding her head in understanding she wipes her tears and stands back, getting into the drivers seat. She buckles her seatbelt and looks at me and I nod in approval.

"I love you daddy." She says before putting he car in reverse and driving away.

"I love you too sweat heart." I say to myself in a silent prayer she will be safe.