Fallen

Chapter 18

There is a moment when you wake up when you are in complete and utter bliss. When the bad memories are non existent, and your dream filled mind makes you feel like you can do anything. Those sweet seconds provide enough hope to smile. If only for a second. Then all at once it hits you. The pain. The sadness. The feeling of no return. The feelings in the moments after waking up goes from bliss to hell in a blink of an eye. This was my morning. I looked over at the clock and saw that it was 3pm. I didn't get to sleep until 2am due to yet another emotional episode. I got so mad, I ran into town and back at midnight. Luckily, that took the last of my energy and blessed me with a deep sleep. It is now Friday afternoon. My parents haven't put up much of an argument for me to go to school. I hadn't missed a day since kindagarden when I got the chicken pox. But now I have missed four days in a row. I missed two tests, an essay, and my five best friends. I couldn't find it in me to care.

After Maria dragged me out of the lunchroom on Monday, she brought me home. She made me shower and tucked me into bed. She tried to climb into bed with me and cuddle, like we always do, but I pushed her away. My eyes were dry and have been ever since. Soon enough, my friends gave up on coming to see me. I only yelled at them that I was fine. Anyone could see that I wasn't though. I went through life eating because it was necessary, and crawling back into bed to try and slip into a dream that was better than my reality.

I sat straight up and felt the anger burn within my abdomin. For these reasons alone, it was smart for me not to go to school. If I ever saw Cassandra, or even Aaron again, I would lose my sanity and do something both of us would regret. I wished I could go back, but unfortunately that is impossible. My humiliation is real. My anger is real. As much as it pained me to say, I was sad. I was sad that Aaron would do this, or even that Cassandra made a point to humiliate me. Everytime I got too sad, I patted myself on the back and thanked God that I didn't let my walls down. It could have been worse, and for that, I am thankful.

I trudged out of bed and went to the bathroom. My bladder felt like it was full to the brim and needed to be emptied immediately. I made the mistake of looking into the mirror when I washed my hands. I had small bags gathering under my eyes. My hair hadn't left the knot I made on top of my head whenever I exited the shower.

That's it. I cannot do this day in and day out. I ripped my hair out of its restraint and turned on the shower to a scorching temperature. I grabbed a towel from my room along with a throw dress that was as comfortable as a t shirt, and could be socially acceptable to be worn without pants. I walked into the shower and sighed with relief as I felt the hot water bring my skin to life. I had felt nothing for what has felt like forever, it was nice to feel something again, even if it was pain. I grabbed the shampoo and started to clean off the grime of four days worthy filth. I even shaved my legs so I could take a longer shower. I stepped out of the shower and got dressed. Once I brushed my hair, I grabbed my concealer and attempted to cover the purple sacks of skin under my eyes. It wasn't much, but it was something. I looked like some life had been injected into my face.

I had made my way downstairs and was putting the finishing touches on my turkey sandwich when I heard the knock on the door. I took a hefty bite of the sandwich before I went to answer it. I opened the door thinking it was going to be one of my friends, but instead was greeted with a face that made my heart both happy and sad.

"Hannah, hey," he spoke in a soft tone, as if I was a frightened puppy.

"Martin," I breathed. I had no idea how to react to seeing him on my doorstep. "Jeremy isn't home yet. But you can come in and wait if you want."

"Yeah, okay." He entered and stopped awkwardly in the doorway in front of me. "You look good, Hannah." He commented before making his way to the couch.

"Do you want something to eat or drink? I just made a turkey sandwich, I don't mind making another." I took another bite of my sandwich and sat at the counter.

"No thanks. I had lunch, at school, where you should have had lunch." He looked up at me from his position on the couch. He was sitting on the very edge with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped together in front.

"Nah, I make much better meals than the lunch lady with the hairy mole."

"Why you gotta be gross?" He snickered. It seemed as though we could pick up where we left off. Like nothing happened between us at all.

"Look, Hannah," Martin got up from the couch and stalked over to the counter I was perched beside. "I didn't come here to see Jeremy." His voice was hushed.

"What?" I spoke with my mouth full of turkey, tomato, lettuce and wheat toast. I didn't even both to swallow before speaking.

"I needed to see you. I just- are you okay, Hannah?" His eyes held concern.

I swallowed before speaking again. "I'm fantastic, Martin. Although I do feel a craving for some french fries coming on." I shoved the last of my sandwich in my mouth and brushed my hands off on my dress.

"Hannah, you know that's not what I mean." He followed me as I took my plate to the sink.

"Would you stop with the Hannah." I mocked his tone.

"I came to check on you."

"Oh really? Okay, well you see that I am okay. You can go now."

"No. You're obviously not okay." Martin reached for my hand. I yanked my hand away as soon as his skin set fire to mine.

"No. You don't get to touch me." Martin took a step back, as if I had slapped him.

"Oh, but he does?"

"Who?"

"Aaron tool bag White. That's who."

"What are you talking about?" Martin took a step towards me. I could see his neck becoming red with anger.

"I saw you at the party, Clark. Not even a day after we kissed, I see you making out with a jerk like him? Really?" His voice raised as he questioned me.

"You told me you regret it! You took a precious moment and tainted it with shame." His face fell slightly. "What was I supposed to do? Dwell on it? I moved on. So should you."

"And look how well that worked out for you." He chucked breathily. He turned on his heal a walked out of the kitchen. I heard the front door slam as he exited my house. All of my hard work towards keeping myself together crumbled to the floor. I ran to my room in a rush to get all of my emotions out in one quick sprint. Instead I felt nauseated. I ran into my bathroom and threw up all the contents of my lunch. I sat for a moment on the side of the toilet with my eyes closed. I let my tears fall freely without the shame. I owned my sadness and confronted it face first. There was a small puddle forming on the toilet seat beneath my face. I slipped into half consciousness from the exhaustion of vomiting and crying. I heard the toilet flush beneath me and felt myself being lifted. I was pulled to a strong tall body and carried to my bed where I was placed under the covers gently. I snuggled into my pillow when I felt the bed dip. An arm came around my waist and pulled me until my back was pressed against a hard chest. I tried to move to see who had captured me in this comfortable embrace, but I was too tired to move.

"I'm sorry, Hannah. I'm so sorry." I heard his voice. Martin peppered kisses on my head and the back of my neck, whispering his apologies repeatedly until I slipped into unconsciousness for the second time today.