your smile eats me alive (Asking Alexandria)

confusion

Adira p.o.v------
Our lips crashed into one another,moving in Sync as they danced with each other,there were no words said nothing mattered in the moment.
My heart raced faster than the speed of light and honestly I don't know what to think,I want to care what I think and of my actions but my brain isn't working with my body.His hands trailed to my waist ,my hands in his hair..attraction and love is all this is nothing more nothing less,I've waited to kiss him and I knew it would eventually happen.
He bit my lip as we went,before it got to far there was a voice that yelled.
"DENISSS BRING ADIRA HERE YOU GUYS ARE ON IN ABOUT A FEW AND WE NEED HER TO GET SETTLED IN "it was Jamie's voice calling us to come forward,denis didn't stop kissing me to answer though until I stopped kissing back.
"HOLD ON WE'll be there" he yelled back, panting from the lack of oxygen,we both sat there in a slight moment of silence catching our breath ,he then looked at me with a smirk.
"I guess we should be going princess"he said picking me up and carrying me outside of the bus to meet up with the boys,I hadn't said anything I'm still in shock.
Denis alexandrovich shaforostov kissed me.
Denii just confessed his love for me?
He apologized???he's sorry.
How do I feel?

"Just fyi denis but your um "Cameron quickly coughs",shirt *cough* is backwards" denis chuckled nervously as the boys give a suspicious look.
"Oh shit,hopefully it wasn't like this all day guess I hit my head harder than I thought the other day ahah" well Atleast he knows how to play it cool.I tried to get out of his hold so I could try walking on my own but he just laughed at my struggle.
"Denii,could you please let me try and walk,I just need someone to walk beside me incase I like fall"
Ben gave me a death glare as he walked in because one,denis was still holding me ,two, our argument . Denis quickly put me down and let me hand on his arm,we then continued to the boy's bus I finally gave in and let denis carry me to my bunk again before they left to their show...Ben was pissed and honestly I was getting a kick out of it.
Denis carefully put me down and kissed my head after I got comfortable,it was his bunk I noticed since they were all out of extras I'm guessing...I hope he doesn't make me take his bunk ,I don't mind sleeping in the back lounge on the couch honestly.
"I'll be back soon,we can talk if you want then or not I don't really care,just don't do anything stupid while we're gone I think Damon will be checking up on you soon." He said before hugging me and leaving with the boys,Cameron forgot his phone and came back smirking at me stupidly.
"Me and you are totally going to talk about that situation" I tried to play dumb hopefully it wasn't that fucking obvious.
"Uh what situation?"
"You know what I mean "princess"" he said emphasizing princess and putting quotations.
"CAMERON YOU ASSHOLE" I whispered yelled at him as he quickly giggled like a girl and ran off.
Me and denis weren't a thing?? I bet that kiss meant nothing to him...it was all a lie to make me forgive him I'm sure..did I even feel the same way? That was the most important answer I needed to know right now,if I did and if his feelings were true would I even want a relationship after what just happened??
My mind was spinning fast ,I was confused and shocked as Heck I want to tell someone about it but what if they told Ben about it? If only xander and Lana were here...I miss them so fucking much they haven't called or Texted me back since a few days ago...well since the incident I should say,I talked to Lana in the morning contemplating on cutting again she calmed me down I still haven't told them what happened,I didn't want them to get mad I feel so fucking ashamed for not standing up enough to him I let him take advantage of me due to my own pansyness.I started crying a little as I kept thinking,I feel like absolute shit.I just want to leave already,as far away as possible or even just permanently leave this world I didn't care anymore I never really have.I got up and found my bag and changed into a tank top and some jogger sweatpants,putting my hair in a messy bun and crawling back into bed. I remembered I had my music player so I put earphones it and stared listening to 'stomach tied in knots' by sws as I slowly fell asleep.
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The next day
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When I awoke,I was disappointed to find no one next to me,his body wasn't hugging me,I look around and see no one around...I panicked,did they even get back? I shouldn't have fell asleep...
I slowly got up still in minor pain but I felt a lot better,I wasn't falling over all the time so that's good.I got dressed in and McRae shirt,old jeans,and a jacket since it was a bit cold in my opinion.I grabbed my sketch book and phone and walked outside of the bus...maybe I can just chill out today and draw things,maybe tomorrow Adam will let me work again....I need to get into the swings again I feel so bad I've been a horrible intern.
It was bright out,something felt a bit odd though,something was off and I just don't like this feeling..then again it could just be me over thinking again or from all the meds I've been taking.I started to climb onto the top of the bus,crazy I know...but honestly I liked high places they make me feel like I'm away from everything,higher to heaven I guess you could say..the view was pretty great in all honesty even though it might rain it was a beautiful scene to see everyone gathered here for the same thing..music.
I opened my sketchbook and stared drawing random flowers,skulls and just random anime characters..I'm not sure what time it is now but I don't care I feel the most relaxed than I've ever been in a while now.
"Every breath you takeee I watch you slip awayyy" my phone started to ring...denis was calling...it's weird to see his name pop up I'm still confused over everything..
"-uh hello?" I said quietly u heard lots of noise in the background..most likely cam and James being stupid is my guess.
"Hey uh where are you? Sorry we didn't wake you up we figured you needed rest.." I swear the awkwardness was drenching in our voices,that kiss ruined everything didn't it?
"Oh it's okay,I'm on the roof of the bus drawing...why?"I chuckled
"What the fuck are you doing on the bus?" He asked quickly,I laughed hard ...he really doesn't know me
"Just come over here dude,it's a great view" I then hung up before the awkward conversation could carry on.I continued drawing for a while until I heard a voice.
"Seriously what the fuck are you doing? Are you crazy adi??"
"Oh don't be such a pussy denii ,get your ass up here!" He laughed and tried to get up here,I had to help him after minutes of failing...I swear boys have no grace in movement.
We sat beside each other with our feet dangling on the side of the bus...what do I say?
"You're right love,it's very pretty view eh?"he started at me again like he always did ,it'd like he just takes pictures with his eyes.
"Yeah...um..about the other day...I uh-"
"I know I'm sorry... I probably shouldn't have kissed you and piled all those Feelings onto you adi,I'm sorry ,but believe me when I say I fucking love you Adira"
I didn't say anything for a while....he loved me?
" it's uh fine I just I don't know denis... I ... like you too I think,and I don't want to mess anything up or make problems with Ben or the band " I played with my hands nervously in my lap,he grabbed one hand and looked me in the eyes.
"Look,it's fine if you don't know,I honestly will wait eternity and spend eternity probing to you how much and great this could work out...and I mean who says Ben and the lads have to know?"
I didn't think about it that way... I already lie to Ben daily so I mean it's not like he would find out ,plus then if it fails the band won't crumble to pieces.
"Well,I just I don't know...what if it ruins our friendship?"
why won't you just say yes oh my god YOU LOVE HIM
MY conscious is right..
I do and I have for a long time.
"Trust me nothing will get in the way okay? I'm here as long as you want me to be here." I just realized we were still holding hands.

We started at each other in suspension...what should I say?no?yes?
.
.
.
....
.
....
I kissed denis once again
"I can't believe I'm agreeing to this..."
"Me niether,but you won't regret it princess I promise you."