To Rahman, With Love...

Recording His Blessings (2)

                                    In the Name of Allah the Most Gracious the Most Merciful

Peace and Blessings of Allah (Glorified and Exalted is He) be upon our beloved Prophet Muhammed (s.a.s), his blessed family and noble companions.

                                                                           -Aameen.

Recording His Blessings (2)

There are times when I become irritated, and then I snap out... but the next moment I feel deep remorse in my soul and tears spring from my heart. For usually I'm a peaceful person Alhamdulillaah, very much averse to fights ...anger, hatred or vengeance. It's Ar Rahman's Fazal that it's not in my nature to trouble others and His blessed blessing that others leave me alone too (at least they used to). I live in my own bubble or to repeat my Abbu's words, "Oh she? She lives in her own distinct world!"

So passed days and years, then two years back, my Didi's wedding happened Alhamdulillaah. Allaah knew she had been the only one most close and dear to me in this world, even more than my parents –but then, just like that... well, I was left alone. I believe in chapter five of this book I speak something of my feelings of how I felt then. I wrote that two years ago, sometime after her marriage.

Now just a month back, she has come home to us Alhamdulillaah, for her delivery, which is in another month in shaa Allaah (do special Dua for her will you?). Not a week passed and she jokingly commented looking at me,

"You've changed Gudi, you've changed."

I read the bewilderment in her gaze and remained silent, blinking my eyes not to betray the sudden pain that emerged from the wound of desolation that had taken so long to heal.

Everybody faces his or her own trials. I'm a lover of solitude and like to be left alone to my silly thoughts or deep musings; to think about the stories that I had read the night before and giving them my own happy conclusions, or to wonder why such a character did such a stupid thing... and then there are times when I become lost in the contemplation of my beloved Rahman, wondering how much longer one has to wait until the end? To finally meet Him, to be with Him once again and ah to see Allaahu Rabbul 'Izzath!

At such moments, my heart trembles in suppressed yearning mingled with fear and my soul sobs helplessly, for glancing back to the years that I have spent in this world, I flip through my book of Deeds in my mind and I find nothing nothing worthy of presenting before Him... before my King.

I see no such great deed, a few good deeds perhaps and the rest withered up because of warped intentions – for did I do them to please Ar Rahman alone? And let us not even begin about the bad ones –– yet there's hope still, the breath is still in the body, and sincere forgiveness, our Rabb never spurns. And ah where will I find anyone like Thee my Rahman?

لَيْسَ كَمِثْلِهِ شَيْءٌ ۖ وَهُوَ السَّمِيعُ الْبَصِيرُ

Laysa kamithlihi shay-un wa Huwas Samee'ul Baseer

(There is nothing like unto Him; and He is the All-Hearing and All- Seeing)

Not a good one this slave of Yours, but ya Rabbi, Thou are the Bestest of all...and to such as Thee my heart's King, indeed I have nothing to give except my love. Just my love... yet it's all my Love.

And O Rahmana, Didi says I have changed, I hope I do hope that it has been a better one by Thy Fazal, towards more good –for surely, as years pass and we age and mature among trials and tribulations, one ought to become better than one was, one should upgrade oneself towards more goodness, trying to perfect our character ...not degrade or debase our worth.

Thou know my Lord how tough it has been the past two years, to come out of my shell and to speak up, to open up to people, to become what others call as an easy-going personality. But I have tried, I have tried by Thy Grace, and I'm still trying after every failed attempt, for once Didi was gone from our home to abroad, the focus fell on me and it was expected of me to become what she had been (which is close to impossible, for she's completely opposite to me!) and all her responsibilities fell upon me... did I fulfill them properly? Did I carry out the duties correctly? I wonder about it sometimes... I know I'm not that good, I can never be like her, but Thou know that I gave my best Alhamdulillaah... I tried ya Rabbi and I'm still learning ––

It is not easy, living in this dunya, if not for Thee, what would have become of me?

Thy Presence always beside me, above and around me and ah within me, is what carries me trudging along this weary journey of life. And every breathing moment Alhamdulillaah, I'm satisfied with Thy decree, with Thy decisions for me, for us all. For, who knows better than Thou or who cares or loves us more? Of course none.

Sometimes ya Rahman sitting in front of her, I observe Didi when she's not looking, and search for everything that I had loved in her. Two and a half years seem such a long time... much has changed ...yet not. For I find her as the same unselfish girl, now a woman yes, and her heart more beautiful than ever, her sweet love for all of us ever the same and more. May Thee bless her with the bestest of the best in both worlds! Aameen Summa Aameen.

Who is the person who does not suffer or undergo some sort of loss or trials? The best of mankind, our beloved Nabi Sallallaahu alaihi wa sallam himself, suffered severe bereavements and patiently endured great hardships... and I look at my Didi, and hear her stories, and know that she has suffered too.

Don't get me wrong. Bhaijaan, her husband ma shaa Allaah is a wonderful man, really perfect for her Alhamdulillaah, just like she's for him –but marriage brings it's own set of tests in everything. Reality here is of course hugely different... a far cry from the novels that we read, which conveniently end at the wedding of the main characters (Islamic Fiction not included). Our life is not like the stories where they meet, fall in love, face opposition, problems, have misunderstandings etc etc, and finally at the end get married and live happily ever after.

We do not meet until the Nikah, even if we do, the interaction is little, and it's after the wedding that everything begins. From trust to respect to understanding to much love, everything happens after Nikah –with His Blessing Alhamdulillaah.

And so much to face, so much problems arises, for here we do not only marry a person, but we marry his/her family too, to understand them too, to be good to them too, to adjust, to sacrifice, to endure much, to have Sabr, and to have Sabrun Jameel becomes the motto... for our happily ever after is surely not here, but in the Akhirah and life in this dunya is a mixture of pain and bliss, sorrow followed by joy, loss with gain... and everything ends when we die, then Reality begins!

So always check, re-check and keep renewing the intention and try to please Him alone in everything. For know that, even if the world does not appreciate or is not satisfied with your efforts or result, remember He, Allaah Subhanahu wa ta'Ala Knows – He always knows! And if He is pleased, then He's enough to laud you (for He never forgets what's done for His sake, no matter it's conclusion), and so never forget that in His Hands rests glory and success of both worlds.

ya Rahmana, don't ever make me forget Thee (by becoming engrossed in this worthless world)... don't ever push me away from Thee (for Thou art all I've and that is enough for me always)!

Rabbanaa Taqabbal Du'aae innaKa Antas Samee'ul 'Aleem! (Our Lord accept my Du'aa for Thou art the All Hearing the All Knowing!)

Aameen Summa Aameen.

Thus, from your heart, say O you beautiful servant of Ar Rahman, Shukran Katheeran Lillaahi wAlhamdulillaahi Rabbil 'Alameen!