The Real Diary

Entry no. 23

This is not about things that have happened to me throughout my life, although there have been fairly bad things. It's about something that I'm discovering this very instant. It is not fancily written as it's difficult for me to concentrate in this moment for there is a lot of noise everywhere.

The thing is; very little things invoke a serious emotional reaction in me. Most of the time I'm speaking in a monotone and family think I'm being rude, or to strangers I'm almost always friendly all the time how and when I see the need to. When people send me amazing encouraging messages from the bottom of their heart i reply all touched but I'm not really feeling anything. I Write my characters as emotional when I mostly feel empty. I don't think it's depression or numbness , nothing specific had happened, yes a lot of bad things but nothing specific to make me shut down.

I'm only recently noticing this.

I'm normally just passive and bland, even when retorting to my mother, for example, I do it without a flinch of reaction in me. The only exception is these random moments when I get especially  strong emotional (not just sad) , like seriously irritated or something. I have yet to pay attention to notice a pattern, or if it's something specifically triggering or simply crazily random. I say and describe I feel certain emotions but when I think about it I didn't really.

I think maybe I realised this flaw shortly after finding out people with the Aquarius sign generally seem emotionally unnatched in relationships.

Same goes for my friends. I think fondly of our memories, I smile and laugh and have good times but I don't feel emotionally attached. I don't want to be this way. I want to be full of emotion so I can describe it in my stories.

How am I only suddenly realising this , aged almost 16, when I'm a pretty clever and attentive person?

I have dreams and hopes and everything. I'm not inhuman, I think.

Maybe this is why I'm not in one of those friendship goals category because I'm  not capable it seems to feel the world for my friends and do the impossible for them to feel happy. I want them to be happy though.

I'm scared.

I hope that by writing about it and organising my thoughts by writing it I haven't made it more real .

Have I been suffering from a serious unnormal pychological flaw and condition that I and no one else haven't realised about before? Others can't see what I feel really, so it's only normal that they wouldn't notice.

Now that I think about it I did sometimes wonder about my lack of reaction for certain things. It was never glaringly obvious. It was about little things I literally dismissed. The truth was in my ignored subconscious .

Maybe this unfeelingness is the reason why I'm almost always in a lazy, unproductive mode. I do stuff but the mood is different.

These thoughts I mostly haven't thought about before, they are coming to me on the spot and with each one I feel a lack of a sinking feeling that I know I would be feeling if I could.
I'm finding it hard to focus my thoughts.

Or is this all because I'm a writer? And have poured too many emotions into my characters and have almost none left?

I'm scared.

I'm like one of those about-to-be psychopaths in stories.

I'm scared.

What nonsense I am spouting.

I don't want to be diagnosed.
I don't want to self diagnose myself .
I don't want anyone to diagnose me with anything.

I have cried for others. Heck, I've even cried about fictional book and anime characters.

So why when I should I mostly don't feel?

There has been a complete lack of diary entries despite my advertising, but I know people are still suffering out there, please spread the word.