The Real Diary

Entry no. 3

11/06/2014 13:45
(Modified to my present-day feelings)

You might not find my entry as important as the others are, or as serious, but these are a part of my problems (since I need a full-sized book to fit in all of 'em).

By the way, you don't have to read this.

I've listed random stuff, it isn't meant to flow into one.

PS: I'm not being whiny or petty, but maybe someone can relate, or sympathise the fact that I stay alive.

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What am I going to do with my life that will satisfy me, myself and I, along with my loved ones?
I'm as useless to myself, and to the world, as a pile of garbage is.
I haven't got any talent or beauty that makes up for how stupid I am.
I'm screwed, I hate myself, sometimes I just I wanna die, except disappearing would be easier, wouldn't it? Killing myself sounds too scary, I'm such a coward.

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I miss my dad, he died when I was 7. I'm not going to say this just because he's my dad, everyone that knew him would agree, he was the kindest man ever.

No, he didn't cure cancer or raise millions of pounds to help the homeless, but he never ever ever got angry with me, yelled at me, fought with my mum or anybody, and he was always helping people.

It was a miracle he had still been alive when I was born, since he had a heart attack before meeting my mum, and he survived it to see me grow up a little, that truly is a blessing.

That's how he died, a heart attack in an underground station in Italy, if someone had helped him right away he could've made it to the hospital and be saved.

He didn't deserve to die, especially in such an ugly place.

He had always wanted to go to Africa, and in his will he said he wanted to be cremented, (burnt), so that's what we did and scattered his ashes into the sea where it would take him to Africa.

Like he always wanted.

It took me a while not to cry all day long, or flinch at ambulance sirens after, or break down whenever someone used the expression: "You gave me a heart attack."

And now, I'm scared of forgetting him, and disappointing him.

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Love is an alien to me, compliments from guys too.

So I've stopped believing my friends (who are girls),

And started detesting myself,

All for a few stupid guys,

It hurts,

And is stupid, I know.

I can't help it,

when they say I'm pretty,

I scream back; "NO!"

Thanks for reading...

PS: Each entry/chapter belongs to one person only, it isn't shared.

Updates are every Wenesday and Saturday (London time) if the head remembers!