The Real Diary

Entry no. 6

21/06/2014                      10:50

I tried to self harm myself in a very young age and at that time I didn't know the meaning of life that there are ups and downs and I can't expect everything to be rainbows and unicorns . And even when I tried to do that I didn't have the courage, I was being a coward at that time also. Sometimes I think that there is no use in me living, because I was talentless and I'm no use to anyone and myself.

But soon I tried to put up with my own things and tried to live, then I started to hate myself for trying to self harm because I tried to give up my life on silly things which could be solved in a minute when millions of people are fighting to live, everyone have their own problems and I should try to put up with mine instead of being a coward, the ones who fight are called true fighters.

I put a cheerful kind personality outside and hide all these things inside...I say about these things only to my close friends and they got shocked when they heard about me trying to self harm.....

I hated myself for being jealous of my best friend, for not accepting the truth, for always being dependent and insecure, for being mean, for playing double games , for lying to everyone and at last for not being for my family...from my childhood I have always faced rejection but I'm not scared of rejection and I feel dejected or unwanted when people always prefer my sister and not me because she's way.. better than me so people don't even look at me. It hurts a lot when my own family calls me a liar, when they discourage me and say that I'm the one who always cause troubles and arguments.

And most of all people never give me a second chance to correct my mistakes. I used to cry every day inside my rest room but people face much worse problems then I do so I forced myself to stop crying and be brave to put up with my life.  I want to be a fighter and I will be a fighter no matter what people say about me or think about me, I will take their discouragement as my motivation.

Then Wattpad was the only thing which was able to get me out of all this mess...whenever I write... my inner feelings gets expressed and it takes me to a new world filled with books which could make me feel happy but it seems like it won't last long because my family is trying to pry it away from me as they want me to concentrate on my studies. They don't know that it's my only happiness, I hope that soon my family understands it and let me use it.....And they don't even allow me to follow my dream, they some how manipulate me and let me do what they want, this is the only reason why I want to live on my own because if they are there I won't be able to live my dreams but the problem is I'm still very young which means I have to live with them...

...Okay now I'm rambling.. So thank you for listening to my rant, if you are alive even after reading this then it's great!

The head feels so emotional after reading all the entries :')

Remember updates are every Wenesday and Saturday (London time) if the head remembers!