The Real Diary

Entry no. 20

So this is me.

I am a sixteen year old female. And I am gay.

I have known this since I was about 11 years old, when I first heard the rumours. The first thing that came to mind was, "if this is what they think, what does everyone else think?" And then it was; "what if they're right?"

I never felt like it was possible for me to be taken seriously. To just be a part a group where I could talk about what I wanted to talk about, wear whatever I wanted without thinking, openly laugh at jokes and be who I was. But if you went to my elementary school, and you were different you were an outcast. And who would want to be seen around you?

I was insecure for the longest time and people clearly saw that. It's what made me the easiest target for bullies. It's what made me this shell of a person who held herself back and went along with what everyone else did.

At fifteen, I fell in love. Or at least I thought I did. I kept telling myself that a girl falling for a boy she's known her whole life is "normal" and this was "proof" that I couldn't be gay. Something felt wrong, something was missing. In the back of my mind, I knew exactly why. What felt right were my feelings for a female friend, and girls in general.

It wasn't until I turned sixteen that I finally realized there was no where to run. And yet I would spend eight months in my personal slice of hell known as the closet. Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, the works. There was no escape from my own thoughts.

I had never really watched a coming out video until December 2014 when one appeared in my YouTube subscription box. For the first time in my life, I wasn't alone. The feeling was indescribable, a mixture of every emotion you could think of.

There's something inspiring about the bravery of another person brave enough to come out to the Internet. A place filled with every type of person. I'm doing it anonymously, because who knows,someone might need it. I could help another person the way this person helped me.

I was able to come out for the first time the next day. I've been telling people ever since. I know now that it is possible to have a smooth sail out of the closet and for people to accept you for you. You are not alone, I sincerely promise that no matter now scared you feel, it's going to be ok.

Please don't be shy to share anything you really need to spill out with us in a diary entry via pm or e-mail. I can assure you 100% confidentiality. To be updated when we next receive an entry! -The Head