paper

fixing flops

i'm five and i dream of
being a doctor who sews
up patients and tucks away
any loose thread left hanging.
people then are just like my
floppy rag dolls that smile at me,
crooked smiles stitched carefully
and gaping holes covered with
needle and thread.

when i'm ten i decide i want to
be an actress and have the lights
all on me me me me me. i want
to be an adult and have my face
painted and body squeezed in
filmy ballgowns, and everyone at
my feet. what wouldn't i give to
hold the world in my palm?

i'm thirteen when i realize that
maybe my hair's too curly legs
too thick eyes too small fingers
too chubby and maybe then i
think how the world's no longer
my stage. i'm just an extra in a
crowd of skinny bodies and i
wish no one will look my way.

when i'm fifteen i don't know
what i want to be. i know now
that people aren't rag dolls and
needles do little to patch up holes
like the grand canyon. i've holes
in my heart left by cruel boys with
dark eyes, and the weight of the world
on the shoulder splits me in half
everyday. being an adult isn't
chickflicks frenchkisses nightsout.
i'm bookburied sleepdeprived
depressiondriven and the media
doesn't help.

the world thinks i'm another tumblr
wannabe when i let slip that i'm burnt
out and saddled with everything
wrong. suicide is cool and so are
drug highs and image issues,
depression's in and confidence's not,
anxiety is what defines me. tumblr
poets and twitter poets paint my
nightmares like cotton candy dreams
and blogshops sell my fears on
aesthetic tees. one two three drink,
alcohol's great, one roll two packs
three cartons and your dreams
will be cigarrette ash. the world
knows only of anorexics and bulimics,
but what about me? bags to hold
all the worry i can't express, room
messy as my life and hand grabbing
food to rid myself of that hollowness
inside.

i'm fifteen when i make a right
decision after strings of bad ones
and decide that i want to be me,
silent and shy and dreamy, silly
and forgetful and clumsy. this life's
mine to deal with, and if i can't go
fixing other people, i figure fixing
myself's a good enough beginning.