Call me crazy

Eyes wide open

   I'm in a coma. I have no idea how to wake up. I just want to be with Caleb and my mom and stop being bombarded with the weight of this world. Can't I just be dead? Why am I not dead? This is more unbearable than death itself. Having life and not being able to live it is the worst burden of them all. 

   I feel the shadow of a person, small, with loud footsteps. The person grabs my hand with their delicate one.Rubbing her thumbs in circles on my palm, she whispers with sweet sincerity. "Hi baby girl, I'm Madge. I'm going to be taking care of you. All you need to do is hold on. There are people out in that waiting room, worried sick about you. Use that, to fight. Fight for them."

 Comfort. That's all I wanted. It's what I needed. I got it an yet i'm certainly unsatisfied. She was just thinking about my well being but I don't want anyone to tell me to fight. What I want is to just let go. Let go of the pain, anxiety, depression, the bullies. The burdens.

 12:00 am.

Sobbing. Ear screeching sobs. Deep and raspy ones. I know that voice. I remember the summer of 6th grade, when Caleb lost his voice after a day at the beach. We both talked about our families and how we both wished to get away and just start new. We both felt like screaming and so we did. On the top of our lungs and we both lost our voices for weeks.It was when I really began to fall for him. He neared the bed I was in. Asleep, cold and on the brink of death. He kissed my lips softly and with pain. "Please baby. I love you with everything in me. Please just wake up. I don't know what I would do if you didn't " His salty tears burned through my skin. I want to wake up. I want to kiss him and hold him and never let him go but, the odds aren't in our favor right now.

Each week, Friday at six-thirty in the evening Caleb visited with my mom for the next 12 months. By the time i was close to my thirteenth birthday, I had made a large amount of progress. My mother and Caleb still had hope. But I cannot imagine how lonely Caleb may be. Or what he looks like another year older. Mostly, I wonder if his eyes still sparkle and make me melt like they used to. I want to tell him there's no hope for me and that he should just move on and be happy... Even if it means without me.  That same week I felt myself slipping away slowly but surely. I reached a point where I was able to see two roads. Life and death.

" It's not your time yet. Keep going. " Unearthly voices in my head continued saying. Caleb was there. I couldn't tell if I was dreaming or if it was truly there.

I could feel myself slipping in and out of reality. That's when it happened. I opened my eyes.