Anything is possible

Chapter 20

The following two days were very relaxing and enjoyable, even if everyone knew Hayley is not well. Our kids were so happy to see their mum at home playing or doing homework with them . In these days also came her parents and sister, they were so worried and sad, I could understand them and they could understand me. We are on the same ship in the stormy sea, we are waiting for the sun to shine again and we don't know when this will happen.

Her sister and she had a long chat in the garden yesterday, whilst their parent and I talked about the cures, therapies and eventual surgeries. Tomorrow I'm taking her back to the hospital for the start of the chemotherapy and she will stay there for a least two weeks. So I'll be alone at home and no one will help me with the kids during this first cycle, but Helen and Patrick, her parents, will move here in London with Leila to help me and stay with Hayley. Their support is necessary to me or it will turn out Dave and Ali have the worst dad ever and I don't want that for them, they're so innocent and don't deserve to be left alone now.

/The following morning/

I'm at the hospital now and doctors before starting chemotherapy are doing her a TAC to see better where the tumour is and how much it's spread. I feel pathetically worried, everything could be the worse but also better than we expected and this makes me very anxious.

After twenty minutes a nurse comes out to invite me to enter in the room, so I do. I see Hay sitting on the hospital bed with her back facing me and the doctors, her head down and staring at the white wall in front of her. I immediately understand something's not right, but wrong, so wrong. I'm starting sweating, but coldly, how I do when I'm too much anxious. This white silence get stained with red as the head doctor speaks:

"Mr. Buckland, the situation is different than we thought at the beginning. After this exam we could see better the status of the development of the cancer. This last has origin in her brain and it's spread all over her head and has reached her lungs. A chemotherapy cycle wouldn't be able to make her better. The only thing we can do is a surgery, but that would be very dangerous and she may not survive. We can try but it's not sure the cancer would slow its development or stop. It's not even sure she will live after that. We should open her head firstly to remove the ill cells and then her chest . It's dangerous. And if she survives, then she should do a lot of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. It spreads quickly. If we don't do anything, she has two and half months of life."

Suddenly a hole opens under my feet and I fall into an unconscious state of shock, my eyes travelling in the void. This can't be real, it's a fucking nightmare, wake me up, WAKE ME UP PLEASE! No it can't be real, you God upon there somewhere in the universe what the fuck are you trying to do? Do you want to take away the person I love the most on this earth? Do you want to make a lot of people suffer for this? Do you want sting pain and suffering, don't you? You are not almighty as we are used to think. You simply aren't if you can't avoid such horrible things in the world.

While I'm mentally shouting at God with this gun stabbed in my chest, Hayley turns to us and approach the doctor, she stands really close to him and looks at him straight in the eyes, then talks:

"If I ever decided to have the surgery, how much high would be my possibilities of living? And if I ever survived, how will be my life after that? Better, horrible as hell... I want numbers."

"20% of living. Your life will be hard, you will have multiple cycles of cure and a transplant of bone marrow at least."

"So it would be a more dignifying life if I decided to don't have any surgery or possible cure..."

"Basically yes, but really short." The doctor says

"Then it is. I will live my last months at my best, then die when my body will decide. At least I'll live everyday in the best way possible. Now excuse me, but I have to go to the loo."

She quickly gets out, instead I don't move a finger because I'm still processing what's going on. My priority now is to protect my kids, they don't deserve this. They are so little and innocent, so pure, they can't. I leave the room not saying a single word and I walk to Hayley's room, I don't know how to say to be honest. There's such a void in my head and I can't combine two letters to say a complete sentence. The only thing I know is that I'm cut into two, this hurts more than what happened before; I feel physical pain, my head and legs hurt so much and my chest is so heavy.

I see her walking back to her room, so I walk speeder and reach her. She stops me and throws herself in my arms in a hug, she cries a lot and loudly. The storm has just begun. I let myself in this rainfall of tears and we stay still in the middle of the corridor with people walking around us until Chris comes to us and asks what happened.

I explain him the results of the exams and Hay's decision, he agrees with her but he can't figure out the monster is about to win without a battle. She didn't even started to fight, she lost before starting, this is what makes me bloody angry. We hoped she could get out of this sooner or later, but the only end of this is her death. We can't do anything, it's stronger than us and doctors' abilities. It's too late to do anything. If we only discovered before...

She calls everyone and asks to come at home tomorrow morning to explain how everything's gonna end. She said she doesn't want to suffer anymore, only live what lasts at the best. She wants to travel the world, learn how to play the piano and drums, she wants to meet Stephen King, her biggest inspiration for her passion for physics. She wants to do a lot of things, but she fears she can't do everything in such a short time. She's determined, she'll try, she will also make these months enjoyable for our babies and prepare her funeral stuff in order to relieve pain.

We are coming back home now and while I'm driving Hayley gets a message from Joanne who tells her Guy asked her to be his girlfriend and she accepted, so they're an happy couple now. At least someone is happy, I'm happy for them too, I wish them the best. You should have seen Hay's face when she read the message, a delighted puppy. I hadn't seen her like that since the cancer thing happened, her smile was so pure and felt. That's one of the reasons I love her. I'll miss everything one day and the saddest thing is that day is not far.

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I'm sorry I made you wait so much time for this chapter, but I really hadn't the time to write and update. And I'm also sorry because this chapter is so short and written as shit... I promise you the next will be better than this!

Also thanks to the ones who are still reading my story, I love you all xx.