Loving Luke | muke [c]

Six

I hadn't slept at all. I spent the entire night listening to the clattering of raindrops on my bedroom window, trying to drown out the giggles and murmurs that came from Calum and Ashton's room. I knew they weren't doing it, because they were usually a lot quieter when they were. I was pretty sure they were watching some sort of Disney movie because I could constantly hear Calum protesting that 'she shouldn't marry a guy she just met.' If I paid attention to that, I knew I would be pulled into a darker place. I knew I'd start to cry and I wouldn't be able to stop because in my heart I knew that was supposed to be Luke and I. I also knew that would never be me, because I had no soulmate and that would no longer be Luke because Alessandro was dead. 

Dead. Gone, suddenly. When he called me up to say he didn't have much time, I didn't think he meant two and a half weeks. I didn't think I'd get a call from Mrs. Hemmings at four in the morning, asking me if I wanted her to get me a plane ticket to Melbourne to be with Luke and attend Alessandro's funeral. I was in such a state of shock, that I instantly said no. I knew she understood, and I could tell she felt bad for me, in a way. I didn't know what it would be like to see Luke again. I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to imagine it. But I couldn't stop wondering how it'd go since the moment Liz called me again to say Luke was coming home to Perth with her. I never knew that the thought of seeing him again would ever hurt more than the thought of never seeing him for the rest of my life. That was what I had gotten used to, knowing that I would never see him again. And now, once again, everything was different.

I could see my room start to brighten up slightly, clarity seeping in through the closed windows. I couldn't see the sun rising from behind the clouds and for some reason, it felt like the sky was the same as I was. Grey and gloom, raindrops falling from the sky as tears threatened to roll down my cheeks. I pushed myself to keep them in. I couldn't cry for Luke anymore, I promised myself I wouldn't cry for Luke anymore. Moving on had been an illusion and I knew it. It was just hearing about Luke coming back that I was pulled into the same hole I had desperately clawed myself out of when Luke first left. I felt like I was seventeen again, but I didn't know if I knew how to hide those feelings anymore. I hadn't done so in years. Five, to be exact.

I grabbed my phone from the nightstand, seeing it was already ten past seven. The hours felt like minutes. Sitting up in bed, I rubbed my eyes, making sure they weren't glassy from all the tears I was desperately hoping to hold back before deciding to head out for breakfast. I didn't have much money on me, but I couldn't bear to be at home when Calum and Ashton woke up. I wouldn't be able to sit there and watch the two be so madly in love with each other without feeling my heart being ripped to shreds and my soul being crushed to one big nothing. I couldn't deal with it, and I wouldn't force myself to. Not when I was seeing Luke for the first time in five years.

I climbed out of bed, stepping over all the dirty articles of clothing that were scattered around my bedroom floor, sticking a hand inside my messy wardrobe until I pulled out a pair of jeans and a random t-shirt. I quickly pulled them on, deciding on not taking a shower because I knew I'd freeze to death. Getting hot water in our apartment during winter was almost a miracle and I didn't want to have to try my luck. I didn't smell that bad anyways. It wasn't anything a little cologne couldn't fix. Taking a hoodie and pulling it over my head, I headed out of my room, making sure to keep quiet so to not wake my best friends and roommates. Once I was by the front door, I took my shoes and stepped outside, slipping them on as I took my car keys from the pocket of my hoodie. I needed coffee and I needed it soon.

I pulled my hood over my head as I jogged down the stairs to my car, turning the heat on first thing as I sat there, with my hands rubbing against each other in an attempt to keep me warm. I watched as the raindrops splattered over my windshield, plenty at a time. The rain was light, close to a drizzle, but it was enough to make me want to go back inside and lay in bed all day. I didn't want to have to deal with what that morning held in store for me. I did not want to feel the way I did five years ago. But all in all, I was already starting to remember the sickening feeling in my stomach, I was starting to remember the way I had to force myself to smile whenever Luke talked about someone else and how I'd constantly have to pretend to be happy when I was miserable. And it sucked not being able to talk to my best friend about it, because he was the reason for it.