Loving Luke | muke [c]

Twenty Two

Loneliness was something I had grown very used to. Right from the early days, when I first figured out what a soulmate was, what it meant to have a soulmate and how you knew you had a soulmate, loneliness was engraved in my soul and followed me around like a shadow. There were always the times I wanted to get away from it, to run as far as I could and never see that shadow again. But there were also the times where all I wanted to do was fall back into that shadow and hide from the world. The feelings came and went like tidal waves pulling me into the comfort of being alone and not feeling at all, or pushing me out into a world of being exposed and vulnerable to anyone and anything around me. It was a constant change, but moving in with Ashton and Calum, and then Luke, had made me grow quite comfortable with the waves pushing me out into the world and warming up to the thought of always having company. 

Now with Luke in the hospital for a few days, I felt like I had been sucked in by the waves of loneliness without so much as a warning. I was being pulled into the deep end by the current and there was nothing I could do. I was letting it take me, but not without the unsettling feeling of realising that wasn't what I wanted anymore. Sitting on the white couch with Armani on my lap and the TV on was not my ideal night in anymore. Nothing that didn't include Luke and take out was my ideal night in. The days were long and the nights were quiet but there wasn't much that I could do about it anymore other than count the seconds for Luke to be sent back home. Sitting with him in the hospital gave me chills, and the constant coming and going of visitors and doctors annoyed me. I didn't know which was worse: sitting at home or sitting at the hospital.

It was only on Monday, when I got dragged out of bed by the responsibility of getting an education, that I finally left the house. I hadn't even looked out of the window since Friday evening, when I got back from the hospital after my talk with Dr. Peters. I hadn't contacted anyone, I hadn't gone out with Armani or even gone back to see Luke. I didn't even know if he wanted to see me, if he missed me or if he even thought of me while laying in that hospital bed all by himself. I knew I had thought of him a lot, and the thought of going out scared me. Everything would remind me of him and I knew it. All I wanted was to not think of Luke for a while.

Driving to the University, all I could really think about was some iced tea. The summer heat was starting to creep its way back into our lives, making everything seem brighter and hotter. I parked my car right outside of the coffee shop close by, making sure I had my phone, wallet and keys in hand (or pocket, really) before stepping out of the car and facing the heat. Humming along to a song that was playing on the radio, I made my way towards the coffee shop, finding it pleasantly surprising that there weren't many people in there. It would usually be buzzing with people coming in and out, rushing to get their morning caffeine or meeting up with friends before classes. This time, only a couple of people sat around the small tables, heads dug into their books or phones, paying no mind to the pale boy that had just walked in.

I headed to the counter, forcing myself to smile at the girl behind the counter before giving her my order. She nodded, grinned back at me and told me it would just be a second. I thanked her, turned around and grabbed a seat by the window waiting for my name to be called. It didn't take too long before it was, but what surprised me was the fact that the voice sounded familiar. Looking up curiously, I was met with Hendrix's greyish blue eyes, analysing me intensely as he smiled. He looked back at the girl behind the counter as she called my name, raising a hand at me and rushing to her to get my drink. He came back to my table, drink in hand and smile on his lips.

"Thanks." I chuckled lightly, taking the drink from his hands and taking a large sip. "You didn't have to do that."

"No worries." He shrugged nonchalantly, leaning back into his chair and placing one of his legs over the other. Once again, Hendrix's brown curls flopped over his forehead, covering some of his beautiful big round eyes. His lips were pink, pinker than usual and he wore, once again, a black leather jacket. His whole aura made me feel comfortable, almost making me feel included in some sort of imaginary clique only Hendrix belonged in. He was effortlessly cool and I felt like it was up to me to prove myself to be just as cool. "You doing okay? You look pretty shit."

"Wow, thanks." I rolled my eyes playfully, seeing him snort in response and suddenly feeling like I had achieved something. "Always lovely to hear." He shot me an apologetic smile, but I shrugged it off, knowing that what he said was true. Dark bags circled my eyes and the lack of exposure to the sun and lack of food from the past weekend made my skin look paler than usual. I probably looked like a fragile porcelain doll that could break with any sudden movement. "And yeah, I'm okay."

"Ah, come on." Hendrix grinned, reaching across the table and nudging my arm. "It's okay if you're not. You can talk to me. It's not like I have anyone to blab your problems to, am I right? It's like talking to a stranger in a park."

"I don't think I'd talk to a stranger in a park." I laughed as I furrowed my eyebrows. Hendrix bit his lip, giving me a small shrug and a nod to keep talking. "But okay, I guess you're right. I had a pretty bad weekend with my best friend. Had to take him to the hospital and stuff, so with him there the house got pretty lonely. I've just been feeling very alone, that's all."

Hendrix nodded, looking down at his shoes as he pushed his lips into a thin line. Once again, I got a clear view of his soulmate tattoo, staring back at me almost in a mocking way, reminding me that I would never get to show off my soulmate tattoo.

"He your soulmate?" He asked curiously, tilting his head to look back at me.

"Nah." I sighed heavily, almost forgetting that Hendrix knew nothing about me. He didn't know I didn't have a soulmate, didn't know I was hopelessly in love with Luke. With the way he acted around me, so naturally, it felt like he knew everything there was to know about me, when in reality, he knew absolutely nothing. "His soulmate died five months ago. AIDS."

"Nasty stuff." Hendrix shook his head heavily with a frown, eyes focusing on the world outside the coffee shop window. "My mother died of it too, a few years back. My dad was devastated, talking about how there is no light in the world without your spouse. I didn't get it back then, still don't get it now."

"Have you not met your soulmate?" I asked, leaning closer into the table, curious like a child hearing about Santa Claus for the first time. 

"Oh, I have." He nodded with a soft smile. "But this whole soulmate thing is so overrated. Met my soulmate two years after my mother had died, thinking I was going to see the world completely different once they came into my life. But it was nothing like that. Even back then, I knew I was aromantic, but I was still surprised that didn't change when I met Paula, my soulmate. It took both of us a while to understand this, but soulmates aren't always meant to be lovers, you know? We are brought up with this mentality that soulmates are supposed to be the love of our life and no one will ever make you feel the way they do, but they forget to tell us that it can happen in a completely platonic level. That's what happened with Paula and I. She's my best friend, but she's nothing more and we're completely okay with it. Soulmates are people you connect with, but there are certainly different degrees of it."

I nodded, listening carefully to every single word Hendrix was saying with a feeling of adoration running through me. For some reason, his words comforted me. It made me think that maybe I could someday find love with someone even if they weren't my soulmate. And just like I had hoped, for once, I wasn't thinking of Luke. I was thinking of me.

~~~

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what is you guys' favourite lines/quotes(idk??) from any of my stories?? i'm curious