Loving Luke | muke [c]

Thirteen

Having Luke in my arms had always felt right. Now, laying awake with a sleeping blond sprawled on top of me could not feel more wrong. His arms were tightly wrapped around my torso, cheek pressed flat against my chest and legs tangled with mine. My fingers ran through his hair slowly, twisting it and tugging it gently in the way I knew Luke liked. My free hand was flat on his back, gliding up and down his smooth skin absentmindedly. In the darkness of the room, the only sounds that filled the empty space was the rustling of leaves outside and the low murmurs that escaped Luke's lips. I could tell he wasn't fully asleep yet; he would occasionally snuggle closer into me, the feeling of Luke's soft body pressed to mine making me feel more awake than sleepy. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep like that.

Once I was sure the blond was fast asleep, I carefully untangled our legs, running my hands down Luke's arms before unhooking them from around me. Looking back at that exact moment, I would've probably thought I was crazy to pull away from Luke when that was exactly all I ever wanted from him. But sitting there, thinking about Luke's soulmate and the whole complication of the entire situation made me want to walk away. It made me wish I could go back in time and not have befriended Luke. All I ever wanted for myself was happiness and love, and those seemed to be the hardest things for me to find in life while everyone around me seemed to find it so easily. I was stuck in a world where everyone was so indulged in their own happiness and their own love stories that no one seemed to notice that I lacked all of it. No one even cared.

I pulled myself up off the bed, feeling around Ale's old nightstand for my phone to check on the time. It was little past two in the morning, and I knew that jet lag could also possibly be a reason for my lack of sleep. If only I could shut my mind off and go to bed. If only there was anything I could do to make the entire situation better. But the only thing I could do was complain about it and let it take over my life like I seemed to do with everything else. I was never in control of anything. Ever.

My feet padded down on the cold wooden flooring, shivers being sent down my spine as I walked into the living room. The gush of wind that seeped in through the open window hit me right in the face, suddenly feeling like a small hit of fresh air. It was freezing outside, but I walked towards the window nonetheless, taking a seat on the sill dressed in nothing but my boxers and a thin t-shirt as the wind ruffled my hair and cleared my mind. Looking down at my phone yet again, I did the only thing I could think of, the only thing I knew could make me feel slightly better about the situation. Bringing the phone to my ear, I listened carefully to the steady rings coming from my device.

"Hello?" The familiar voice spoke, sounding tired and raspy.

"Ash, hey." I sighed in relief. Being in Melbourne with Luke had felt like an isolation from my best friend, whom I hadn't spoken to in the last three days. I felt like I was in a complete different world, when in reality, I was just across the country. "Did I just wake you up?"

"Sort of." The curly haired man snorted, and I could hear Calum's voice in the background, saying something to his soulmate before the clattering of pans was heard. "I was somewhere between falling asleep on the couch and heading towards the bedroom until you called and Calum decided to cook some instant noodles. I guess you're both to blame."

"Sorry." I smiled to myself, since Ashton couldn't see me. It always comforted me how simply talking to Ashton seemed to lift a weight off my shoulder. I didn't know if it was because he was the only person in my life who wasn't directly associated to Luke, or if it was because he was the single soul on the face of this Earth who knew I didn't have a soulmate. There was always a sort of feeling of escaping my life whenever I spoke to Ashton. "How's everything back at the apartment?"

"Good, good." He said as he cleared his throat. "Calum's already planning on turning your room into a gym. I told him we should turn it into a sex room. Fill it with toys and stuff but he was clearly not impressed."

"I'm moving back, you know?" I chuckled slightly. "I don't want to move back into my room knowing there is Cashton sperm all over the place. Keep my room PG-13, yeah?"

Ashton laughed, and I could picture him throwing his head back in laughter before turning to look at Calum. I also knew Calum would be rolling his eyes at the fact Ashton had just bluntly told me about his plans for their sex life without me in the apartment, but the truth was that Ashton and I were close enough to not be bothered about conversations on each other's sex life. Or, rather, Ashton's sex life considering mine was non existent.

"We'll see, we'll see." Ashton sighed. I could hear the creaking of my mattress, meaning Ash was now lying on my bed instead of his own. "I miss you, you know?" He whispered. "How's everything going on there?"

"It's...." I took a deep breath, letting it all out in a shaky huff before I felt everything crash around me. My eyes screwed shut as I tried to hold back the tears that were fighting their way out, clasping my hand over my mouth to hold back the sobs that might wake up the sleeping blond in the other room or make it evident to Ashton that I was crying. "It's shit, Ash." I cried, shaking my head.

"Hey, hey..." He cooed, and from the shuffling heard in the background, I knew he was sitting up and I knew he was frowning. "No, Mike, don't cry. Please don't cry." He pleaded, beginning to sound desperate as my sniffles and gasps for air only seemed to intensify.

"I just-I don't think I can do this, you know. It breaks my heart to see Luke going through Ale's things and the way he smiles so sadly whenever he comes across a picture or something. Like he's my best friend and it's killing me to see him like this. It's hurting me to know that Luke had something I envy so much and it was taken away from him, I don't know. I feel bad that I'm being so selfish and thinking about me at the moment, but I just-"

"Mike, okay, stop." I heard Calum's stern voice. I knew now that Ashton had gotten up and walked into the kitchen, putting the phone on speaker so that Calum could come into the picture. I didn't know how I felt about Ashton doing that, because Calum was the one person who had a strong bond with Luke similar to the one I had. I didn't know if Ashton had told Calum about my lack of soulmate, but I was praying that he didn't. "Your time will come, okay?" He whispered. "You'll find your soulmate and you'll have everything you've ever wanted." If only Calum knew this was making me feel worse.

"You know what?" Ashton sighed, interrupting his boyfriend as he knew what Calum's words were doing to me. "Your feelings are valid, Michael. Don't tell yourself you're being selfish about how you feel because you're allowed to feel whatever it is you're feeling. It's not something you choose so it's not something you should feel bad about. You're there with Luke and you're putting on a brave face for your best friend and that just proves how selfless you're being, okay? Let yourself feel and remember that your feelings are important too. Don't let Luke's pain interfere in your own."

"I want to come home." I choked out, covering my eyes with my hand as I continued to cry. "I hate this apartment and this city and everything that it represents in my life. I just want to leave."

"Then leave, Mike." Ashton sighed. I could picture him running his fingers through his hair. "If it's hurting you that much, leave, and Luke will understand. You're just as important as he is."