Loving Luke | muke [c]

Twenty Eight

Luke's CD4 count had gone down again. That was why he was back at the hospital. His fever had reached the highest temperature ever and every single cell of my body fought against my will to go see him. I knew we had to talk, I knew he had given me the journal for a reason. But I wasn't strong enough, I couldn't face him lying in a hospital bed with IVs in his veins and drifting in and out of consciousness. That wouldn't be fair on either of us. I held back and waited for Luke to be discharged. That look over a week. A week of doubts and unanswered questions, a week of anxiousness and excitement mingled into one. 

My eyes focused on the reflection in the mirror for longer than usual. The person standing before me looked strangely like myself, but his shirt was baggier than usual and his usual skinny jeans now didn't cling to his usually thick thighs. His cheekbones were prominent. His eyes were dull. The man before me was nothing more than a shell of the person I used to be and the guilt didn't take long to overtake me. It had taken me too long to realise I was the only person doing this to myself. Alessandro was not to blame, Luke was not to blame. I was to blame. Luke wasn't holding me by the collar of the shirt over a pit of darkness. I was holding myself over that hole. I had created that darkness. I was the only one with the power to make it disappear. This was all up to me now. This was my life and I was taking over.

I sighed as I ran a hand through my greasy hair, quickly fetching the beanie that sat on my bed and yanking it over my head. It was thirty two degrees outside, but I didn't care. I forced myself to smile at the stranger standing opposite to me, nodding slowly as I headed out the door. I didn't say my goodbyes to my parents as I marched down to my car, knowing that if I stopped or looked back, there was a chance I'd back down entirely. Getting in and switching on the engine, I kept my lips pressed into a thin line and my eyebrows furrowed. The sun was shining down exceptionally strong on that afternoon, but I pushed myself to pull out of the driveway instead of rushing back into the house in an attempt to hide from the sun. I needed to see Luke. This was my life and I was taking over.

My heart pounded in my chest the entire drive there, hands sweating as I gripped tighter and tighter onto the steering wheel. I didn't even notice how long it took me to get to the house I had shared with Luke for a few months. The only thing that seemed to matter were the words I had been repeating in my head the entire way there. All the  things I would tell him and all his possible responses. I thought of everything that could go wrong and everything that could go right. I thought of Greece. I thought of Melbourne. I thought of darkness. I thought of happiness. This was my life and I was taking over.

Standing at the door with my eyes glued to my feet, however, was not how I had planned it to go at all. I could hear the crickets chirping around and I could hear the sound of waves crashing in the near distance but my body was unable to move and my mind was unable to form a single coherent thought. There were no cars in the driveway, but that didn't bother me. Luke didn't have a car. I knew he would be inside, and the only thing I could ask myself at that moment was what Luke could possibly be doing. What did Luke do when he was alone? Did he still play his guitar non-stop? Did he still write silly songs about his favourite foods? Did he even write at all? Not even the sound of a car door slamming behind me was enough to get me to move.

"Michael?"

Then I moved. I moved so fast I thought I was going to slip and fall to the ground. I turned around, eyes meeting the ocean blue irises I had been oh so in love with for years. I saw the way his hair danced in the light ocean breeze that swept past and I saw the way his full lips twitched in confusion. I saw the way his noodle legs moved one at a time as he paced closer to me and I saw the way his fingers nervously wrapped around the hem of his t-shirt. I saw all of it and at that moment I saw nothing else but him. Him. There were no words that could describe the whirlwind of emotions. No colour that I could use to paint the image. Nothing. There was him and there was me. But there was no us.