Loving Luke | muke [c]

Fourteen

Luke had always been the type of person to keep his feelings under lock and key. The idea of vulnerability was enough to scare him away from anything remotely emotional. It had been such a struggle to finally get Luke to start opening up to me, and understanding that the fact that Luke rarely ever spoke about his feelings had nothing to do with me, that it was just the way he was in general. It had taken me years to understand that Luke's eyes told a lot, and throughout our friendship I had become very good at knowing what Luke felt by the look in his eyes. It seemed like since Luke left, his eyes had changed. They didn't show the same expressions that they did before and they didn't do it in the same way.

People who say you should fall in love with people's eyes because they never change could not be further from the truth. Luke's eyes were possibly the only thing about him that had no resemblance to what they were before. Sure, they were still a beautiful crystal blue, but they were no longer bright and alert. They no longer glistened even in the dark. They were emotionless and void. Looking into them almost felt like someone was digging a hole into my soul and leaving it there, deep and dark. Luke's eyes that once filled me with happiness and warmth now made me feel cold and empty. The familiarity in them were gone, the brightness in them were gone. That person sitting in front of me was not my Luke. Watching him go through the rest of Ale's things felt like watching someone else do the job.

"So, what about this?" I asked, showing Luke the worn out copy of Hamlet. "Which box does it go into?"

"Uh..." The blond frowned, looking down at the book in my hands before reaching over and grabbing it in his hands. I watched as he flicked through the pages, keeping a close eye on it as he read over small little notes in the corner of the page. "This was his favourite copy. Put this in my pile and whatever other copies of Hamlet you find lying around, just put them in the donation box."

"I didn't know Alessandro was that much into books." I remarked, feeling a little angry about that small detail about Luke's soulmate. The passion for books and the habit of writing little notes int he corners of the pages had always been my little quirk that Luke loved picking on. It was always what Luke used to point out and some of my favourite memories from my teenage years were watching Luke read through my notes with the tiniest of smiles on his face. It had always been my thing with him and I couldn't help but feel like Ale had taken that from me too. Just like he had taken Luke.

Luke tossed another book into the donation pile, letting out a long sigh as he looked down at the books that remained. So far, we had gone through Alessandro's pictures, clothes and CDs. Now, all we had left were his books and some other small things of his that were probably lying around in the apartment. "He wasn't, really." Luke shrugged, frowning slightly as he reached out for another pile of about six books. He was picking out Ale's all time favourites to keep and then adding all the rest to the donations pile. He knew Ale's parents didn't want his old books, anyways. "He'd only read when he was getting ready for a part. Hamlet was the biggest production he ever did so he wanted to get it perfect. Read like five different editions of it until he settled on his favourite and the one he'd go by, basically. I don't know," Luke sighed heavily. "I never really got into his acting and sometimes I wish I did."

"Did he get into your music?" I asked softly, looking up to see Luke thinking long and hard about my question. His fingers played with the curled up edges of the book in his hands, teeth sinking into his bottom lip in thought. He slowly shook his head, smiling sadly as he turned to look at me.

"Never even asked about it." The blond whispered, looking down at my hands as to avoid the look I knew I was giving. The look I knew Luke hated. Pity. "But," He huffed, placing the next book into the donations pile. "It's not like he had to, you know. My thing was my thing and his thing was his thing. It worked, I guess."

I nodded quietly, deciding not to open my mouth just yet because I knew that what I was about to say was going to upset the blond. We continued doing our job, letting the silence take over as we did what had to be done. It all seemed to go pretty fast, and before we knew it, there was only one book left in Luke's hand. He ran his hand over the leather cover, biting the inside of his cheek as he opened the book curiously. Something told me Luke had never seen that before.

"What's that?" I asked softly, leaning forward to take a look at it.

"I don't know." The blond mumbled, flicking over to the first page as his fingers glided over the paper. "I've never seen it before."

I crawled over to where Luke was sitting, crossing my legs in front of me as I sat next to him, looking down at the book in his hands. In black, sloppy handwriting, two words were written across the front page. To Luke. I could tell the blond was hesitant to turn the page, to read the words that were held inside and to find out whatever it was that Ale had written in there that Luke knew nothing about. I heard him sigh, slapping the book shut before outstretching it to me.

"What?" I breathed, holding onto the book but not taking it from Luke's hand just yet.

"I can't do this." My best friend shook his head, and I could sense the shakiness in his voice. "I can't. Just take it. Please take it, Michael."

I nodded, finally taking the book from Luke's hand and watching as he pulled himself up from the floor, striding out of the messy living room before slamming the bathroom door shut and locking himself in there. Holding my breath, I tried hard to listen for sobs and sniffles coming from the closed bathroom door, but all I got was silence. I was convinced Luke was not crying, and if he was, he was being very quiet about it. I knew Luke well enough by now to know that if he cried, it meant he couldn't hold it in any longer. I hoped this wasn't the case. I was silently praying that Luke was not crying and the doubt itself was tearing me apart. I simply sat there, thinking about the conversation I had had with Ashton earlier that morning about me leaving. At that moment, I decided that I really did not want to stay in that house. It wasn't doing me any good, and if I wasn't feeling good, how could I possibly make Luke ever feel better?

I stood up from the floor, heading into Luke's room and throwing my duffle bag onto the unmade bed. I quietly fished around for my clothes, tossing everything inside carelessly, knowing that I would have to deal with the ironing and washing up when I got back home. I didn't even bother knocking on the bathroom door to retrieve my toiletries. I didn't want to disturb Luke with whatever it was he was doing and I definitely did not want to make it harder on myself having to deal with explaining to Luke that I was getting ready to leave. I knew this was nothing more than a coward way out, but for my sake, it had to be done. Luke had left me for his own benefit and now it was my turn to do the same. I made sure to put Ale's journal in my bag, zipping it up and carrying it with me into the living room where I found my shoes, slipping them on before getting out a scrap of paper and a pen.

Luke,

I'm so sorry. 

- Michael

Taking my bag and swinging it over my shoulder, I headed towards the door. I didn't dare  look back,  but from the corner of my eye, I could see Luke emerge from the bathroom, stopping dead in his tracks as he saw me swing the door open and take my first step out of his apartment. I was waiting for Luke to say something, to stop me from leaving. But instead, I got silence. In my head, the logic of it was that the silence would make it easier for me to leave, but all that deafening silence did was make me want to stay and give Luke a reason to want me to stay. It was all just one big mess in my head as I slammed the door shut to his apartment, wondering if Luke's heart felt as heavy as mine and if his mind was in a mess as big as mine. However, I knew I'd never find out how he felt at that moment. Because Luke had always been the type of person to keep his feelings under lock and key.

~~~

i feel like this chapter is weirdly written. might come back later and change it.