Loving Luke | muke [c]

Twenty One

Growing up, my biggest fear had always been decision making. For some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to instantly make my mind about anything: I would change my mind, back out last minute or simply let someone else make a decision for me. In that last case, the person who made my decisions was always Luke. I had grown up with the notion that Luke knew what was best for me, Luke would never make a decision that would not be beneficial for me. When Luke left, everything seemed to be falling apart. Luke wasn't there to help me with decisions, Luke wasn't there to tell me what was best for me. Luke just wasn't there.

It had taken quite a while to pull myself out of the hole Luke's absence had created, but eventually, I had managed. I was sitting on the edge, however, with my legs dangling down into the darkness, just waiting for one little thing to push me right back in. I couldn't say that Luke's return had pushed me back in, but it had definitely picked me up by the collar of my shirt and held me right above the hole waiting for Luke to leave again. This time, I'd be thrown in with no way to claw my way out. To make a decision that could possibly get Luke to leave me again would be like asking to be let go of and diving straight into that same hole. Going to Greece couldn't possibly be the right decision for me if I knew exactly what would happen with Luke not being there. Could it?

It has been six days of changing my mind every other minute, telling myself I had to tell Luke about the offer, but no matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn't get the words out. The thought of Luke being upset with me was enough to make me back down any time I told myself I was going to do it. The thought of my career not going forward because I missed that opportunity made me change my mind when I told myself I wasn't going to do it. It was a tug of war between Luke and myself and this time specifically, I didn't know who was going to win. This time, Michael was tugging a lot harder, but Luke was still as strong as ever. 

I came home on that Friday evening decided that I was going to tell Luke about the internship. I would ask him what he thought about it and what he thought I should do. It would be a conversation between two friends, but in the back of my mind, there was still that crazy spark of hope that someway, like in a dream or a movie Luke would tell me to go and then pack his bags and come with. That was what he had done with Alessandro, so why couldn't he do the same with me? 

Opening the front door, I found the house was awfully quiet. Armani came running out to greet me, barking and jumping up for my attention. I smiled down at him, kneeling down and making sure to give him some attention until he stopped being overexcited. That took longer than I expected. That or the unusual fact that Luke hadn't come out of the room to greet me too. I'd usually be welcomed home with a grin and a kiss, making everything feel better after long days of indecision or stress. This time, all I got was silence. I frowned.

"Luke?" Nothing. "I'm home!"

Still nothing. I waited, holding my breath and listening carefully for any signs of Luke being home. I was starting to grow anxious: Luke didn't leave the house without telling me and Luke doesn't take naps in the evening. I stood up, picking Armani up in my arms as I walked further into the house, crossing the messy living room towards the corridor that led to Luke's bedroom. I knocked on his bedroom door, pushing it open with my foot and peeking inside. Nothing but an unmade bed. Panic started to surface.

"Luke, what the fuck." I groaned, rushing down to the other end of the corridor in hopes to weirdly find the blond in my bed for some reason. Still nothing and this time the tears were threatening to spill. My hands were shaking and Armani was squirming around in my arms, letting out his high pitched barks as I walked closer to the bathroom. "Luke?"

The sound of glass shattering coming from the bathroom made me gasp, quickly putting Armani on the floor and closing him in my room so he didn't get in the way. Without a lot of thought, I ran to the bathroom door, swinging it open with all my strength in my state of complete desperation. I had expected various different scenarios: Luke hurting himself, Luke slipping in the shower and not being able to get up. Luke covered in his own vomit, however, had not been one of them. He was crying very hard, trying to grab onto the edge of the sink and pull himself up, but that had only resulted in him knocking over the soap glass. The smell of spew and frangipani soap mixed into one made me hold my breath as I stepped towards Luke.

I neared him, hearing Luke whine and lazily shake his head. It took a few seconds until I understood what he meant: don't come near me. At first, I was confused as to what he meant, my protective side kicking in and my only desire being to care for him. I ignored his pleas, feeling around my pocket for my phone so that I could call an ambulance. Something had gone wrong with Luke's ART and the unsettling feeling in my stomach would not go away until I heard from the doctor that his CD4 count was still high enough to get him by. I absentmindedly took a step closer to Luke, feeling my mouth hang open as I realised why Luke didn't want me near him. Luke was a very proud person, and shitting himself was definitely something he wouldn't want anyone else to see. At that point, I didn't even care about the fact Luke hadn't reached the toilet, all I cared about what getting him to the hospital and finding out what the hell was going on.

-

Stroking Luke's hand gently as I watched him sleep made me want to cry. A year ago, I would've never thought I would be sitting in a hospital room, watching Luke sleep as I feared for his health. I never thought I'd ever sit by a hospital bed, thinking to myself that Luke could be dying, that Luke could be going and then I would be left without a soulmate and without Luke. Tears were streaming down my cheeks already, hand squeezing his every so soften to make sure he was still there, to make sure this wasn't a nightmare and to guarantee Luke wouldn't slip from my hands again. I needed him. I loved him more than words could ever explain.

"Michael?" A hushed voice spoke as the door cracked open. I glanced over my shoulder, seeing Dr. Peters standing by the door with a tight smile. I raised my eyebrows at him questioningly. "I was wondering if you could come outside for a chat as we let Luke sleep."

I nodded, scurrying out of the chair and slowly depositing a kiss on Luke's hand as I followed him out. I had called Liz about what had happened and had left the Hemmings family in there with him for quite a long time. This was the first few minutes I was getting alone with Luke, and the fact that Dr. Peters was taking that moment away from me pissed me off, but the fact that he had called me out made it all more real to me that what he was about to say would not be good news. I was already expecting the worst as I closed Luke's door behind me.

"Is everything okay?" I asked in a whisper, leaning my back against the wall as Dr. Peters sighed, looking down at a sheet of paper.

"Luke's CD4 count has decreased, and I know this is going to sound very concerning to you at this moment, but I can assure you that this does happen to most HIV positive patients. Luke hadn't gotten any symptoms before taking his tests and his ART was very light to start off with, so some nausea and diarrhoea was expected. I can tell you that Luke will be fine, we will be increasing the strength of his treatment by changing his ART medications. The fact that Luke is non resistant to treatment will make it a lot easier for him."

"Okay," I sighed in relief. "This is good news, then, I guess."

"Well, yes." Dr. Peters said hesitantly, clearing his throat. "But I do understand that you and Luke live together, is that correct?" I nodded. "Are you two in any sort of romantic involvement?" I bit my lower lip in thought, not sure of what to say to the doctor standing before me. Did Luke and I have any sort of romantic involvement?

"I-I don't know." I said truthfully. "We kiss. Occasionally. But that's it."

"Okay," Dr. Peters nodded. "Even though you two are not particularly exposing you to the virus, I think it would be right for you to take some medication for it too, to make sure you keep yourself safe. It is not unusual for partners of HIV patients to have their own precaution plan, and I think this would be good to keep you on the safe side."

I nodded, agreeing that it would be a good idea to keep myself safe. If only I could've kept Luke on the safe side, too.

~~~

i don't think i've ever seen anyone shit themselves in a story before, and i don't know how disgusting this is going to sound to some people. but this does happen in reality with people who are sick, so i wasn't going to just pretend luke is 100% all the time. he isn't. he is sick.