What's Wrong

Should Have

thoughts are like people

they pester you, help you, and hurt you

but i could never have imagined

how much it would hurt

when i think of you

and everything i've done

i can't fathom what i would do

without you here

but i know, and you probably do too

that i say things and do things

that aren't very kind

and i apologize for my selfishness

how i can't speak my feelings

how the simplest i love you makes me tremor

how i can't summon the excitement you want so bad

and i apologize

not just to you, but my friends

for being so withdrawn

for anything i've done that may have hurt them

and my teachers

for being a poor kid

who can't keep up with work

who can't be that star student she used to be

and the world

for being a recluse

being depressed

being useless space

that sucks out happiness like a black hole

where did i go wrong?

i should have done better

i should have laughed at your joke

i should have kept up with my class

i wish i could wake up

from this nightmare called reality

i wish i could set alight

the emotions that burn my gut

and give a little more trust

something so valuable that can't be replaced

and these emotions

these thoughts

they lurk around the corners of my brain

and whisper poisonous words to me

words that grow on me and kill me from the inside

two words, that's all it takes

two words, lingering dangerously low over my thoughts

should have