We are Human: Coming Out Colorful

No attraction

I am asexual. I never really see any stories based on asexuality, so I'm hoping my story is put out there and can make some sort of difference in the world. It's lengthy, but it's what I've got.

It's been a hell of a journey figuring myself out. Am I straight? Am I gay? Is there an in between? I grew up knowing that I wasn't straight, but I also grew up not knowing what exactly I was. In my freshman year of high school, I identified as bisexual. I figured that if I had some sort of interest in guys and girls, it made me bisexual, so I took the label as my own. I eventually realized that I was uncomfortable with this label, only I couldn't determine what the discomfort really was. I eventually changed my label to pansexual, because I learned that there are individuals out in the world of different genders outside of male or female. Of course, there was something off about the label that made me feel as if it didn't fit quite right. After a few months, I decided to change my label to something a little more fitting. I settled on queer, but still- it didn't feel right.

During the time of calling myself queer, I was invested in my first serious relationship. This relationship was sexual, and I was okay with that. But every time we would hook up, I felt disconnected. I wanted sex- I wanted to know the sensations and the emotions felt with the person I loved. But when the time came around, I struggled. I wanted it, but there was no pull, no drive, no attraction. I always felt like I was never truly there. I wanted to please my boyfriend and even myself, but my mind couldn't seem to grasp what to do. My boyfriend eventually caught on. He would ask me, multiple times after sex:

"Are you sexually attracted to me?"

And me, not truly knowing the answer to this question, said "Yeah, of course"
Even if I knew I wasn't sexually attracted to him, I would have felt awful looking into his eyes and telling him the truth.

It wasn't until I broke up with him in May 2015 when I started to put the pieces together. I had seen the label "asexual" on Tumblr multiple times before, but I always assumed the label wouldn't fit me. I decided to look it up. The more I learned about asexuality, the more it applied to me. The label clicked, and I finally felt as if I understood myself for the first time. I realized with all of my past relationships that I struggled- and this was because my partners experienced sexual attraction, but I didn't. I always thought that if you found someone good looking, it meant that you we're sexually attracted to them. Obviously I learned this wasn't true. I didn't even know that sexual attraction even existed. I didn't know that it was what people felt towards other people! (No wonder I never really understood when people said they wanted to "get in someone's pants" or "have a one night stand".) I thought that what I felt in terms of attraction was exactly what other people felt, so I assumed that what I was experiencing sexual attraction.

I am so thankful I never gave up on myself and kept pursuing to find the identity that fit me. I am comfortable. I am proud. And most of all, happier than ever to stand tall and say "I am asexual! Not an amoeba!" :-)