The Asexuality And Aromantic Spectrum And My Experiences

Demisexual/Demiromantic

Quick Disclaimer: I wrote most of this book before coming out as non-binary! I may use my birthname and female pronouns, but those do not currently honor me. Hi! My name is Lane, and I use they/them pronouns. Hope you enjoy!

Welcome to the beautiful world of demisexuality. I will be your guide, as a real, genuine demisexual person myself.

This is my personal sexuality and it is when you feel sexual or romantic attraction AFTER an emotional connection has been formed. This connection could be a friendship, it could be love, it could be something larger than that that you can't really explain, I don't care. All that matters is that there is some connection established before you feel attraction to a person. Personally, I don't feel attraction until either a very strong friendship (like BFF status) or romantic relationship is formed.

Why does this happen? Most have primary attraction, what you are initially attracted to, and a secondary attraction, which is what strengthens that attraction. But, for anyone on the ace/aro spectrum, one or both of those don't exist. For asexuals and aromantics, both aren't there. For greys, both are only gone sometimes. And demis? They only lack the first one. Usually, the secondary attraction is an emotional bond. So, because demis can't experience primary attraction, it's only achieved with that bond.

Demisexuality and romanticism is often the hardest to understand (if the person already knows about asexuality and aromanticism) because it's often confused with basic logic. However, demisexuality is not a thought process. It is not decided by the person that because now that they know the person, they can do the do or get into a relationship with them. Also, just because someone has reached the emotional relationship required to experience attraction, it doesn't necessarily mean that they'll be attracted to the person. It's like applying to college. You might have great grades, but you still might not be accepted. There are a million other factors that go into it besides your grades.

The emotional connection required to experience attraction can vary from person to person. As I said before, I don't experience attraction until either a strong friendship or a romantic relationship, but someone else might need to have a much stronger bond than that, and someone else might only need a weaker bond. However, there still must be an emotional bond that's a bit more than you would go to their funeral if they died. Maybe you'd cry, maybe you'd read a eulogy, who knows. Whatever it is, all demisexuals are valid. Not picky or weird. Valid.