The Asexuality And Aromantic Spectrum And My Experiences

Asexual/Allosexual Relationships

Quick Disclaimer: I wrote most of this book before coming out as non-binary! I may use my birthname and female pronouns, but those do not currently honor me. Hi! My name is Lane, and I use they/them pronouns. Hope you enjoy!

Hello everyone! Again, I know it has been a bit since I've been active, but I'm coming back at you with this! I made this as a Tumblr post for my asexuality blog (foralltheasexualpeeps wink wink #spon) and I just realized that it should also go here. So, if this sounds a little bit different to how I usually write, that could be why. Anywho, I wrote this after my current boyfriend and I had a little chat about my asexuality, and I just went, "Huh, that's how it's supposed to be." Well, here are my thoughts, hope you enjoy!

I am a quoisexual person in a relationship with someone who is pansexual. I don't experience sexual attraction at the frequency or intensity as he does, nor do I want to have sex with him or anyone at this current time. He is an amazing person, but one thing I experienced with my last partner that I was concerned was that they did not respect my boundaries when it came to sex.

With my ex, when we talked about my asexuality, they would often say something to the effect of "Yeah I guess I could live without it but it'll be really hard because of my family history" which is A) Bullshit and B) UNHEALTHY. This is emotional manipulation. If someone says something like this it means they are trying to make you feel bad and like you are to blame for their frustration. My ex CHOSE to be in a relationship with, knowing full well of my sexuality. He knew that I was uncomfortable with any kind of sexual contact, and yet he was blaming me for his choice to be in a relationship with someone on the asexual spectrum. If you aren't out to your partner, I would highly highly suggest changing that. If you do not set boundaries, it will hurt you in the long run.

Now back to the title. If you're still reading this, you still need to know how to be a good partner. Last night, my current boyfriend and I were talking about our sexualities and he said that he wouldn't mind giving up sex if this made me happy. Hearing this meant the world to me. After coming out of a relationship where I didn't feel respected, felt like I was to blame for someone else's choice, and just overall not good, this was incredible. I had thought that as an ace spec person, I would have to conform to partner's needs, but that's not true.

In all honesty, you both need to give a little leeway. Not every sexual person should be expected to give up sex, and not every acespec person should be expected to have sex whenever their partner wants it. What needs to be done is prioritizing. As a sexual person, one has to think about "How important is sex to me in this relationship?" and if that answer is that you will need it for the relationship to function, express that to your partner. As the asexual partner, the question is "Would I be willing to have sex for my partner?" For me, this is tricky to answer because I'm quoisexual, and if you know that definition it means that I have never known if I've felt sexual attraction. I don't know what it feels like and cannot differentiate it from romantic attraction. Anyway, as of this moment I would not be willing to have sex with my boyfriend. We've both been able to establish those answers to each other and make sure they line up. But, if you were someone who was hyper sexual and absolutely needed sex in a relationship, then it is your CHOICE to either not be in a relationship with someone who does not want sex, or if you do, they are not at fault for the decision YOU made.

Tl;dr- make sure you know you know how your partner feels about sex, and see if you would be willing to meet that. If you aren't, respect how they feel and don't use it against them.

Thanks for listening to my rant ❤

EDIT: I would also like to note that even if both partners in a relationship are acespec this still obviously applies. The major discussion would moreso be to sex repulsion/indifferent/favorable, but nonetheless still very important. I'm demisexual sex favorable and my girlfriend is likely asexual sex repulsed, and though I've felt sexual attraction for her this is not reciprocated. However, we have been able to establish boundaries when it comes to physical intimacy that work for both of us.

What are your thoughts on this? Please give me any feedback and leave questions in the comments. I love you all so much, thank you so much for all your support!

~Katie