The Show Must Go On (Jaythan)

The Show Must Go On

I finished packing the day before the tour. I had decided to go. I had to.

The boys and I had a very nervous tension in the air. They weren't sure if I was gay. I wasn't sure if I was gay. And the person causing the distress was absent.

I visited Jay again. This time, I brought him a flower. It was a white rose.

"Hello, Jay," I said quietly. "I'm leaving tomorrow. If you wake up, call me. I'll be checking in every week to see if you're okay. I promise." Gently, I laid the rose in his open hand and curled his fingers around it. "I bought you this. I thought you might like it if you wake up."

I stayed quiet for a minute. My feelings about Jay were still a jumbled ball of strings around the answer. I wasn't sure which thread would lead me to it.

"Goodbye, Jay," I whispered, kissing his cheek. I lingered to see if he woke up. He didn't. Sighing, I left again.

I boarded the plane the next day, tired and sad. Jay wasn't with us. A whole tour without him was going to be hard.

I sat next to Siva on the plane to New York. He reached out and took my hand. I looked over at him blankly.

"I'm sorry," he said before letting go.

I shook my head. "Not your fault. It was my fault I walked into the pharmacy in the first place. I should have taken him, too."

Siva frowned. "It's not your fault. He was sick. He had an episode. That's totally not your fault."

I buried my head in my hands. "Yes it is. And now it's my fault that you three hate me. I blurted out something I'm not sure of, and now you all hate me for it."

"Nathan, we don't hate you if you're gay."

"But I'm not!"

"What about Jay?"

I bit my lip. "That's complicated. I'm not sure how to answer that."

"Either way, we still love you. It's going to take a bit of getting used to. It can be our secret, the fans don't need to know."

Max's head popped around the seat in front. "Nayfan, we don't hate you!"

"Not at all," Tom chimed in, looking over the seat.

"Just...leave me be, alright? And whatever you do, don't lie to me," I said bitterly.

"We're not lying," Max said, but I blocked everyone out, staring out the window.

Halfway through the flight, Siva tried to talk to me again.

"Do you think he'll wake up?"

"I don't know, Seev. I hope so. I really, really hope so, but he doesn't show any sign of waking," I replied. A sorrowful note hung in my voice.

He was quiet for a minute. Then he said, "I know it was hard for you to leave him. Thanks for coming with, though. We need you."

I laughed, but there was no mirth in it. It was a cruel, sad laugh. "The show must go on, right?" I mumbled bitterly.

That shut him up.