My diary ( you may read it )

12/4/15

Dear fans,

I cried last night over him again. I don't feel so happy today if only he can see that I miss him and that I want to talk to him to get a sense of closure of understanding my feelings on which are tangled in an undying war. I miss him, I really miss him. Not in a way that I want him back, but just knowing that he's fine that he's happy with life can make me feel the slightest bit better with myself.
   People say this over and over that it's going to go away somehow but really it won't and I won't get over it not now not even in a year. If he knew how much I loved and still love him how much I see the good in him maybe he wouldn't treat me like I was a phantom of the night. I know he must be thinking of other things and maybe he does see me miserable and doesn't want to help me feel a little better. No one is going to do anything. They are just going to spill out advise like that is going to help me over come my feelings for the guy I fell down to earth in love with.
  I don't see the asshole that I was mad at I see the boy I loved the minuet I saw him I see the boy who had cheese puffs in his teeth when I first kissed him I see the boy who cried over a Blake Shelton song, I fell in love with the boy who talked about war and peace. I miss him of course I miss him and I can't tell him cause I'm scared he won't understand I'm scared that he'll just push me off and say I'm not worth it when I was so committed to him.
    My friends don't see that I want something to be done that I want to find closure I want to find to find peace I want to know that my first love is going to be okay without me and that he cared about what he has done to me. My heart is in dust I can't cry anymore cause I removed all my tears last night and as much as I want to cry and just die inside I can't cause I don't have anymore tears.
   I don't know what to do I don't want to feel this but this is here and it's here to stay. When will I finally get a chance to tell him I still care that I still love him that I need to thank him for everything he's done for me to help me to where I am. I want him to know I'm not mad at him nomore but sad that he doesn't see me. I want him to just see me and know that all these emotions are killing and breaking me. I am tired I am weak I am depressed and I can not hide it no more. I just want him to see me and know I still care. I still care. I still love. I still feel.

Love Jazmine.

Ps. He'll never know how much I truly love him and how much I want him to notice just little bit of notice will help. I miss his smile and for once I want to see it again.