My diary ( you may read it )

This feeling is getting worse

Dear fans,

It's official I'm broken for internity I'm am so sick. I saw him and I wanted so badly to walk up to him and just i don't know talk to him ask him to help me ask him to give me some closure. But I was to scared and I can't believe I was scared to go up to him. I'm scared of getting in trouble and starting over again. I'm scared of feeling helpless. I'm scared of not doing anything and I'm scared that he won't understand.
I need help I need comfort I need hope but all of that is gone and to get it back I have to stand up and look at him and know he cares. I'm so not ready to face my life knowing that the pain is only going to follow and tear me down on the inside. My soul is empty destroyed and weakened. I can only hope that my soul will recover and let me live a little longer.
I guess I can't actually live while I'm dying. I mind as well be a zombie just wanting to die again. And again. But I'm still alive and I can't do anything unless I fall and hit the ground but I'm not doing that. I'm not going to do that. I'd love to think that I can do it but just not right now. I feel lost in a sea of fish. Surrounded by sharks and I'm the only fish there.
I could fight. I could try to be able to move and go. But the path I've had to go through had traps and I haven't rested. I haven't thought much back. I haven't tried to ignore everyone around me cause I can't it's not me. I want to just sit and watch people struggle moving forward. Maybe just maybe I can go to Ohio rosswood park and find the creepypasta place and stay there for the night. Stories and rumors are heard all the time and I wanted to think that they will take me away.
I can go. I can leave but will I? No. Cause I have time still on me. I have things I still need to do. I have people that may need me. And who knows I might save a life one day. I can try to get over this. But it's going to take forever or at least a year to settle and get over it all. I'm going to cry I'm going to be hurt so many times. But there is one thing that helps me recover and that is myself and only myself. I could ask for help but do I want to? No not really.
I don't want my friends to see me as a broken girl who needs help I'm ruined I'm torn and I need to stay this way I don't want to depend on my friends or my family. I want to do this myself to fix myself on my own. Yeah I'm going to get a little help cause people offered and they care but I'm doing the rest I'm not listening to anyone else. I want to scream at everyone to shut up and to leave me alone but everyone knows I don't yell unless I'm serious.
With my mind straining with hurt and confusion. I got to get this out of here.

Love Jazmine

Ps. He came up to me and he told me not to be so hung up on him. I told him I couldn't do that and we talked. It felt good. He told me about his girlfriend and I told him about my boyfriend and how I was still in love with him but I knew I couldn't be with him. He seems to understand more but we will see.