This Wasted Time On You Has Left Me Shaking And Waiting

Bulletproof

(SAD CHAPTER MAY TRIGGER IF YOU SELF HARM OR SOMETHING IDK DON'T CRY)

"Alex, why?" The younger boy answered placing his hand over the scabbed cuts on my hips and leg. "That's none of your business" I snapped pulling away from him.

I remember the first time I took a blade to my skin. I was 12 and an idiot. I was really just experimenting. I mean 7th grade is a bad time for everyone right? Using a regular razor I slashed my arms a few times. It didn't sting at first just a sharp pinch and the little bit of blood came from my now wounded wrist. That was the only time I did it until the middle of last year.

I was fucked up. My dad had just left my mom and that's when my popularity went down the drain. I was depressed. Not just because my dad had left but I just started to feel irritable, sad, hopeless, nothing was exciting anymore. I almost have the right to say I felt suicidal. That's a hard word to take in.

I immediately started to draw myself away from the things I used to enjoy. I stayed inside all the time, I never went anywhere, I didn't have an interest toward anything, and everything became annoying. I felt worthless, annoying, stupid, in the way, unwanted. All my hopes and dreams gone. My mom tried to talk to me about things but I wasn't one to talk. She always said that she would get me a psychiatrist, which I feared. I couldn't tell anyone. Not even Rian knows and he's my best friend for gods sake. There are times where I think I should tell him and right when I go to I change the subject or something.

But then the cutting started. I used to just use my finger nail or scissors. It normally didn't draw blood and didn't do much. I didn't have anything effective. Then I discovered the blade in the hand held pencil sharpeners. I snuck down into the garage and grabbed a hammer smashing the cheap plastic and releasing the blade. When I returned to my room I was not smart enough to not cut my arms or wrists because people can fucking see that. Over and over again I cut my wrists and arms watching the blood flow, but soon enough I got bored of my wrists. So I cut my leg. It didn't take much to make a small cut. I let the sting seep in before I decided how it felt. It stung but the feeling afterwards was so good. And there I went cutting and slashing at my leg watching each cut turn red a swell.

Me being the sicko I was/am I had to go further. Normally only a few little drops of blood appeared directly on the incision. It wasn't enough. The look and flow of blood excited me and I had to see more. I'd press the blade down harder watching the blood flow freely from my arm. It satisfied me and made me feel good. Words cannot describe the feeling you get after letting the pain of a cut seep in.

There were times where I tried to stop, tried to get a hold of myself. My arms began to throb, asking me to take the sharp metal of the blade to my wrists. But I refused. My hips were still clean. My thigh and wrists were littered with scars. Ugly. The vein you could see through my pale skin near my hip just drove me into cutting there.

I never cried while cutting, but I defiantly thought deeply. Just about how stupid I was and all the shit that happens to me. So now everyone is probably asking. "Well do you still cut?"

Last time I cut was last Tuesday.

I'm not as bad as I used to be. My scars are slowly fading but new ones are still appearing.

It's almost difficult being in a relationship. Jack doesn't know about what I do. I don't want him to find out. It's not like I'll be taking my pants off in front of him any time soon but I feel guilty. "Maybe I should keep a secret for now," I said, "Maybe forever"

((A/N I SERIOUSLY WROTE THIS IN HALF AN HOUR AND ITS NOT TOO BAD. Okay so I actually have a little background on this chapter. Sigh. You guys are my readers and I think I'm okay to trust you on this one, and it's not like you know me personally so it's okay. This chapter is pretty much the story of my life. Except I haven't gotten better. PLEASE DON'T CUT EVVVERRRR. But yes I do have depression and I do self harm. I'm not doing this for attention I'm doing this bc it's a good way for me to vent. So yes enjoy this chapter and COOOMMMEENTNTBTBTBHSJSKA.Comment :) I love you guys. Almost 900 reads <3>